Monday, October 19, 2009

The dialogue is always there

I woke up Sunday with a horrible head cold, a sore throat, and a nose that wouldn’t stop running. Ok. Fine. Everyone gets sick. And when I get sick, it usually doesn’t last very long. So I wake up today (Monday) after a night where my husband says he thought he was sleeping next to Darth Vader, and I’m still not feeling so hot. But I have lots to do at work, and a sick day is just not in the cards for me. It’s just a cold anyways. Suck it up.

Halfway thru the day, I realize that it’s Monday and I have to teach tonight. I haven’t bothered trying to find someone to teach for me, so I figure that I will take class first at 5:30, which usually clears up a head cold temporarily, and I will be good to go for teaching. (At least that was the intention that I set out to the world.)

I set myself up in the back row, which is not the norm for me, but I knew that I might struggle and didn’t want to bring anyone down with me. Class is going pretty well, actually, although it feels like I am sweating even more profusely than ever. I finally had to take a knee and get my heart rate back to normal. No big deal. After all, I am sick!! We get to the floor, and I had an emotional release. It took me by total surprise. The only time I have ever cried in class was in training. And there is a LOT going on at training, so it’s not too surprising. Well, there I was back at training for a few moments. It was 100% a relived moment. I remember so clearly the day during the morning class at training, when I was as sick as a dog, and just lost it. I won’t say that I lost it today. It was more of a quick release that went almost as quickly as it came. It was a re-creation of my physical past experience: the way my body and head were feeling, the actual class, the pressure I was feeling about teaching class next. And boom! It all came out. I don’t know that I have anything to say about it right now (probably because I just took a big shot of NyQuil), but I found the whole thing very interesting. I may speculate more on it later.

Anyways, that is really not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about what came next. Teaching. I feel like I have a temperature, my ears are blocked, my throat is sore, and I have a cement block pressing down on my head. And the microphone is broken. And my mentor, Linda, is taking my class. And Charlie and Jen come to take my class. So I’m feeling anxious about the whole situation. Under normal circumstances, without the sickness, I’d be a little nervous. But now I’m actually concerned. Never the less, I make the commitment to give every ounce of energy that I have in me to the class. And I do. It was HARD. Really hard. I struggled with my dialogue in Pranayama Breathing. My brain was totally not finding anything besides “Chest up, Spine straight, full lungs”. But that’s ok. I forgive myself. I realize I am sweating as much as I was sweating when I took the class prior. UH OH!

But somehow, the rest of class went well. I had a hard time with my breath, because I was having a hard time breathing. I haven’t had to remind myself to BREATHE since training. And also, I felt like I was shouting the whole time. I don’t have a very loud voice, so I may have over-compensated for the lack of the microphone. But all in all, it was good. I had a hard time giving corrections, and realized that I just had to stick to the dialogue. The corrections are already built in. Just say the dialogue. It is there. The words were put on that paper for a reason. And even though I felt like it was not my best class, it was good. The students were strong. They listened. They even laughed a little. They gave me back what I needed to make it a good class, and in turn, I continued to give back what was given to me.

I learned a few very important lessons today:

1. Trust the dialogue. When all else might be crumbling, it is there.

2. Give and you will get back.

And as much as I may have learned “life lessons” from #1 and #2… #3 is…

3. If you’re sick and have to teach, don’t try to be a hero… at least try to find someone to cover for you!!!

And on that note, the NyQuil has definitely clouded any finesse that I was trying to end with. So good night. xoxo

Friday, October 9, 2009

All the right reasons

I took my favorite (and first) teacher, Linda's class tonight at 5:30. It was such a doozy for me. I was struggling with my breath and my stamina, and had one of those insanely mentally challenging classes. I have a love/hate relationship with those classes. I try so hard to push thru that mental challenge. You know, the “Oh my god, it’s too hot, my heart is racing, I want to DIE” kind of class. Lately, I would say that 95% of the time, I can push through. Today was one of those days. I pushed through. I struggled. I did it. The feeling after those classes, after the 15 minutes of trying to put words together to make actual sentences, is amazing. Is that why we push so hard? For the aftermath blissful feeling? For the internal sense of accomplishment? For what?

In one of the savasanas, Linda said, “I was having one of those classes the other day where I just didn’t want to be there. But there were two brand new students behind me. So I fought through. Sometimes you practice for yourself. Sometimes you practice for others.” I found that so appropriate. And so true. I thought to myself, who am I fighting for here? One of my best friends, Michele, was right beside me struggling just as much as I was. I was pushing myself to help her, too. I knew if I hit the mat, she probably would have felt like she could have also. I did it for Linda. I don’t get to take her class very often, and damn if I am going to sit out when I get 100% of her energy, knowledge and love in class!! And yes, I did it for me. Because I know I am strong. I know that sometimes it is all in my head. I KNOW I can do anything.

Sometimes I lay it all out on the table for someone else. And sometimes it is just for me. I think they are equally important. And when we can realize that our own beings can lift others… well, now that is yoga.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Tomorrow is a new day

The New England Regional Yoga Championship is October 24th. I’ve been saying that I am going to compete. And now it is less than 3 weeks away and I haven’t got a routine. The only thing I did to prepare myself was to go to Diane’s studio and take an Advanced Class / Coaching Session. This was over 3 weeks ago. I was intimidated with the advanced postures, and truly have no clue what I would do for my optional postures. I feel pretty disappointed with myself, but I really just don’t think I am going to enter the competition.

I hate to give excuses. But I have been so busy with life. My full time job has been insanely challenging and taking up every ounce of energy that I have for the last month or so. I feel like I haven’t got much left in me after work, so I haven’t taken the time to even THINK about competing, never mind train for it. I didn’t set my intention. I didn’t add it to my list. And now, I feel it is too late. My studio owner, Sam, says that I should still do it, just for the experience. But I don’t feel like I can. It’s funny, I am no longer a “No I can’t” kind of person. What is going on here? What is this negativity creeping into my being? Tomorrow, my goal is to awaken that me that I found 3 months back. That “I can do anything” me. I think I like her a lot better.