Chronicles of a (Pregnant) Bikram Yogini

Packing your house

2011-08-31T21:23:00.000-04:00

Life with a 4-1/2 month old is pretty amazing. Yes... I did say 4-1/2 months!! Anyone know where the past 3 months flew off to? Somehow Labor Day weekend is right around the corner and I've only been to the beach 2 times. Quite the travesty. So much has gone on in the last 3 months of my life!

I got back to teaching at the end of June. I think I took a total of 12 weeks off, which is certainly the longest I've ever gone without teaching. It was amazing to get back up on that podium. My adrenaline was flying high. It was a pretty big class of about 25-30 people, who were all very unfamiliar to me. The dialogue mostly came out... I definitely needed a tune up though! I had some fun and funny stories to tell about coming back to practicing, as well as some personal experiences that I went through while not practicing, which I tried my best to eloquently bring back around to the fact that yoga just makes you a better you.

At the beginning of July, we had our first family vacation down the Cape. My mom and step-dad rent a place down there every year, and we end up joining them for a few days. We almost stayed the whole week this year. It is always a fabulous time, and this time was certainly no different --- but at the same time SO DIFFERENT!! We stayed in a lot more than usual, because taking a 3 month old to nice restaurants can be rather stressful, and you tend to get funny looks from people at bars. So this time, we laid low. Consumed our alcohol in the privacy of the house (and did lots of pumping and dumping). My son got to sleep on the beach and get tons of love and attention from my family. It was such a good time that my husband and I decided that next year, we will be crashing my mom's vacation for the whole week!

The next big thing: we finally sold our house! We had to scramble and get out pretty quickly, like 3 weeks from the offer being accepted to the final closing date. Oh - and we don't actually have a replacement house quite yet, so we moved everything into storage and are bunking up with my mom and step dad again. (Good thing we all get along so well!!)

Now... moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life, right? Adding a 4 month old baby into the mix makes it even more difficult. AND having your sister's wedding 3 days before the closing makes it HELL! I knew it was going to be hellish, so as soon as things were finalized, I started packing up the house.

For the first few days of packing, the trend went a little bit like this:
1) Go into a room.
2) Begin packing a box in said room.
3) Pace around said room.
4) Leave said room and go into another room, look around and get incredibly overwhelmed.
5) Go back into room to put more shit in the box.
6) Pace some more.
7) Leave said room and sit down on couch and decide I'll really start packing tomorrow.

The prospect of packing up a house full of 7 years of my life into boxes made my head spin. The problem was that I was trying to "pack up my house". But packing up a house into small boxes is overwhelmingly impossible. You have to stop what you are doing and back up. One room at a time. And when you get to that room, one closet at a time. And when you get into that closet, you pack one shelf at a time. Of course, it all comes back to yoga. When you first begin practicing, you see all these beautiful people around you doing amazing postures, seemingly effortlessly. You can so easily get overwhelmed with the fact that "I will NEVER be able to do THAT." Either that, or you try to push your body in a place it is not ready to go and you end up hurting yourself. But after a little while, you back up. You take things one step at a time. And soon, in standing head to knee, the closet is packed up and you are kicking out. Then the room is completely cleaned out and both knees are locked. You finally get the final items out of the garage and the floor swept up, and your forehead touches your knee. And slowly, gently, the moving truck drives away and you come out exactly the opposite way you went in.

We just have to sometimes take a step back in order to move forward.

Another funny thing is that when I finally got a friend to help me, that is when I was able to get things moving. Think about how much easier it is to pack up someone else's shit! You have no attachment to their stuff. You just know that what they have - needs to go into a box. As teachers, we have no real attachment to students' injuries. We just know that if they listen and only do what they can, honestly, trying the right way, their bodies will improve. We know how neatly that equation fits into the box. But we have not lived in their bodies for all of their lives. Their house has closets full of junk that they can't let go of. Years of old bank statements and bills and clutter that if they just let go of it, there would be so much more clean space to move into. Rather than "become your injury", if you can let it go, detach yourself from it and know that it all somehow needs to get into the box... the shelves get emptied, the closets cleaned, and the house emptied so you can start rebuilding again.

I look forward to writing again. I got a lovely note from a reader that has inspired me to try to get back to it a little more. I can't make any promises, but I can try, and truly hope that I do!

Starting from scratch again

2011-05-31T21:44:00.000-04:00

I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy on April 7^th. Silas Michael Cellere wanted to enter into this world butt first, which resulted in a c-section for me. There is quite a bit of recovery time after a c-section. When the doctors and nurses told me that I can’t do yoga for 6 weeks, I thought it wouldn’t be so bad. I could spend time with my little guy and really delve into this whole mommy-hood thing.

Well, about 4 weeks into my recovery, I was really missing yoga. Not just physically. Actually, not at all physically… I realized more and more that that 90 minutes in the hot room gives me so much more than just a nice yoga butt. I mean, I knew this. I talk about it all the time in class – how this yoga just makes you a better you, how it cleans out the clutter of the mind, how it opens you up energetically, spiritually, and emotionally. But to really be forced to take a 6 week hiatus and experience it was pretty profound.

My last class before giving birth was Tuesday morning. I went into labor on Wednesday night, and had the baby early Thursday morning. 7 weeks later, I got the a-ok from my doctor to get back to my yoga. So of course, 7 weeks and 1 day later, I walked back into the hot room to practice!

It was kind of surreal driving to the studio. I had this nervous, giddy feeling throughout my body. I knew the class was going to be hard, and I was really looking forward to getting back into my body and seeing how it would all roll out. After 9 months of not doing the Cobra series, I expected it to be somewhat hellish. I mean, for me, seriously, the Cobra series always has been the hardest part of class, so I was ready to suffer. Well, all of this foresight was absolutely NOTHING in comparison to what that first class back was like.

And “Poof!”

Just like that, I am a beginner again.

So you might be thinking that 7 weeks isn’t really that much of a break, and that it really shouldn’t have been anything as dramatic as I make it out to be. Well, let me explain something. There is this beautiful little hormone that your body produces when a woman is pregnant called relaxin. (All women actually do have this already, it just increases a ton when you are pregnant. It increases slightly in our bodies when we menstruate as well.) This hormone’s function during pregnancy is to relax the joints in the pelvis so the baby has room to pass through the birth canal. Guess what? It relaxes the rest of your joints and ligaments as well.

Students would ask me all the time what it was like practicing while I was pregnant. And I would always exclaim, “It’s so much easier now!!” I was flexible beyond anything my non-pregnant body ever experienced. So let’s just say that those 9 months that I was practicing… it wasn’t really my body.

Back to my class…

I got a little bit emotional and teary-eyed looking at myself in the mirror as we all interlocked our fingers nicely underneath our chins. I was so overwhelmed with happiness to be back in that space, but as a totally new person. As a mother. That feeling quickly disapated as my shoulders and neck started screaming, “What do you think you are doing?!” Neck might hurt “a little bit”, my ass!

My arms felt like lead in half moon. And the beautiful half moon shape I used to make while pregnant looked like a shaky, straight banana. And where I once saw the back of my mat during the backbend, I don’t think I saw where the ceiling met the wall behind me that day. And the shaking… oh the shaking.

Before I was pregnant, I was a Japanese Ham Sandwich, with only inches from touching my head to my feet. However, now I can’t even straighten my legs. Oh the tremendous stretching feeling, PAIN SENSATION!! I came up after the first set, and the instructor, Linda says to me, “How was that, Danielle?” And I say, “Oh shit!” The whole class chuckled, and we moved on.

I can continue to go into detail of each posture, like how my legs were bouncing up and down in the second part of Awkward Pose, or how Triangle Pose got the better of me and I had to come out after about 5 or 10 seconds, or how I looked like a ramp in Camel Pose, or how I literally had about 90% of my weight in my hands in Cobra. (FYI – nowhere in the dialogue does it say “arms are supposed to hurt” in Cobra!) And did I mention the shaking?? I could talk about all these things, which I am sure would be quite amusing. But instead, let me just say that the whole class was like an out of body experience. It was me looking in on me as a brand new student. Only instead of being brand new, I know exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I just can’t quite get my body to cooperate.

It was interesting. In a way, I almost think it was harder than my very first class. In the first class, we have no idea what we are doing. We have no idea what “trying the right way” even means. It takes a while to figure that out. You come out of your first class a little bit sore in a few places, but you really haven’t even touched the surface yet. This class, I tried like hell the right way, and my body shook and stretched and became jello. I watched myself, knowing that it wasn’t going to take me too long to get back to where I was, yet truly amazed at my body’s regression, the stiffness, the pain sensations.

So I am starting from scratch again. I took my fifth class this morning. And while I still feel a little bit “out of body”, I’m intrigued by the possibilities. I know where my body can go. I am curious to see how long it will take me to get back to where it used to go. Today I thought, “Hmmm, I bet in another week, I’ll get my head back to my knee.” I’m resetting some goals in my practice, such as holding Triangle longer the 2nd set. (In my defense, my incision area from the cesarean does feel very pulled in this posture, so I’m very cautious.) But how cool is it to be back to setting goals for the basics??

I am truly looking forward to watch my practice rebloom. I am a new woman in there, so it seems very appropriate that I have to start from a new place. I look at myself in the mirror and see a mother. I see a very strong woman who had the ability to carry a child in my body with grace and happiness. But even more so, I look at this strong body of mine and am so proud of what it is made to do. My beautiful baby boy, who I love more than I could have ever imagined… he started his life with me. And all along, I had my yoga practice to guide us through. So although my muscles are stiff and my spine is creaky, I walk again into the hot room with my head held high, my eyes wide open, awaiting my very own rebirth.

Tuesday, April 5th.

Thursday, April 7th! Welcome Silas!

Point of focus

2011-02-17T15:48:00.000-05:00

I've got a phenomenal post brewing... but my writing is sort of lacking right now. So I will continue to let it cook in hopes of my idea becoming reality soon.

In the meantime, I've discovered something in Standing Bow Pulling Pose. After 6 years of practicing and a year and a half (huh??) of teaching under my belt, I've heard something new in the dialogue. Thanks to one of my mentors, Linda, I have recognized that I was missing a key point of dialogue in my class. "Concentrate one point on your left knee in the mirror." I think I was saying something after "Bring your arm up..." like "Bring your knees together to start. Lock your standing knee." That was it. So I had what I was saying wrong. Easily fixable. (Well, after a couple of weeks, I finally had it fixed.) This may be the first time I have actually heard it though. That is totally a lie. I've heard it. I just chose to focus on my face, I guess... or maybe the tip of my fingers in the mirror, depending on the day.

Guess what? One day a few weeks ago, I decided, ok, ok... I'll concentrate one point on my knee. I have not looked away yet! The power of that point of focus helps me hold the posture so much longer, stronger and powerfully than I EVER would have expected. As in, I can consistently hold Standing Bow Pulling Pose for 90 - 100% of the duration now. What?? Such a simple thing!

And now, I'm teaching it the right way, and getting other students to understand that point of focus, and their postures are improving, too. Of course, like me though, many choose not to hear it or not to listen or not to try it. And that's ok. We all have our own time. We all find what we need when we need it. But hot-diggity! Try it!!

(Side note: I am pregnant. My hips are more open. I am more flexible. And the big baby belly just loves this posture. It is easier for me than it has ever been. I attribute this to my new point of focus AND being pregnant. I'm curious to see what happens with this posture post-pregnancy. But for now, I'm just reveling in it!)

Each year tops the last

2011-01-02T14:23:00.000-05:00

As I sit here on the Sunday after New Years Day, watching the Patriots pummel the Dolphins with this little life kicking inside of me, I can't help but reflect on the past year. You may have noticed a trend in many of my posts. The feeling of happiness, perhaps? Or maybe that I feel like the luckiest girl in the world at times? No doubt about it, as I wrap up the year 2010, it all will hold true.

Some noteworthy days/landmarks in the 2010 chapter of my life:

January - Tim and I made the decision that I would shoot for leaving my job in June to become a full-time Bikram yoga teacher. The idea had been floating out there and lingering with me for a while, but after the new year, we talked about it more seriously and decided that financially, emotionally, and personally, it was the next step that I had to take in my life.

February 19 - 26 - Vacation to Cabo with 10 friends. This was our "Let's have one last hoorah vacation before we settle down and start a family" vacation. And indeed it was! We spent 7 sun-filled days with wonderful friends, relaxing, partying, dancing, eating, shopping, exploring, bonding, and laughing our asses off.

April 9 - Gave my 2 month notice to Blue Hive. It was incredibly emotional for me. I was leaving something I helped to build from the ground up. I knew it was the right thing, but at the same time, it was incredibly scary and unknown. This day began with a heavy heart, but ended with an enormous weight lifted off my and a lightness and anticipation about what was to come.

May 29 - 31 - Belanger Cup weekend - This is always a weekend of family fun, but this year just felt so much more special. I get to spend 3 days with my dad and my cousins and the whole family. This year, we hosted the Saturday night dinner, which not the typical Italian feast. Instead we decided to make a feast filled with my future brother-in-law's Iran/Syrian culture. My sister and my 2 cousins spent about 4 hours laughing over chopping parsley and juicing lemons for the most delicious taboule you could imagine. Although I may have complained (jokingly) the whole time, it was a wonderful afternoon that I will always look back on with a happy heart.

June 1 - Began my career as a full time Bikram Yoga Instructor! This week was just out of this world. Since I graduated college in 2000, my life consisted of a 9-5 job, and suddenly I was teaching yoga for a job, with all of these strange hours and extra time to spare. I almost didn't know what to do with myself. I would get home some days at noon and squeal with happiness at all of the things I could now find the time to do. I watched my progress as a teacher grow exponentially in that one week... and knew that there was so much more to come as I continued upon this path.

August 14 - Pink Line = Pregnant! For the sake of having this recorded outside of my memory, I will recap how it all went down. It actually started the night before.

We went out to dinner with my in-laws to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. It was one of those really rare occasions where it was just the adults: me and Tim, Tim's mom and dad, and sister and brother-in-law. We had a long, delicious dinner, some fabulous cocktails... the conversation was full and lively. No one wanted the night to end quite yet, so we went on to have a nightcap at another bar down the street. We shared a heart-felt toast with Tim's dad, proclaiming his love and pride for his children and the lives that we have all made for ourselves. Once again, it was just one of those really special nights that I will always hold on to.

The next morning, we had plans to go to the beach with our 2 best friends, Rich and Meg, and from there, head to another friends' house for the night. Ever since I had been off the pill, I had been on a really sporadic cycle, where I would get my period every 7 weeks or so. I realized it was close to about 7 weeks since my last period, so I decided, while Tim was in the shower, to drag my hungover ass over to the bathroom to pee on a stick. Bleary-eyed and foggy-brained, I rub my eyes and see this ever-so faint pink line make it way into my sight. I go back to the directions, which clearly state "line may be very light, but result is positive" (or something to that degree). My heart starts hammering even harder than it already was (as a result of too much wine the night before). I take some deep breaths, take the test to our bedroom, and wait for Tim to get out of the shower to tell him.

Me: "T!! Come here!!!"
Tim: "What?"
Me: "COME. HERE."
Tim: What?"
Me: "Uhhh.. I think I'm pregnant..." (begin to tear up)
Tim: "What??? Are you serious? Let me see that..." (Big hugs happening at this time.) "You mean this really light pink line???"
Me: "Yes!!"
Tim: "How do you feel?"
Me: "I'm hung OVER!!!"

It was a brilliant moment, so perfectly capturing the essence of me and Tim and the way so many momentous occasions in our lives go down.

August, September, and October - So many great days during these months, as we began to share our wonderful news with our parents, families and friends. I loved all the happy reactions and hugs and excitement. I loved the day that I was finally done with my first trimester and shared the news with my Monday morning yoga class. (And the choked up feeling I had when I began trying to start off class after that!)

The last few months of the year I can only summarize with one word: COMPLETE. I feel as if every day is a blessing. I feel super-human. I feel my world starting to change. I feel a strength and bond with my husband that is untouchable. I have such a sense of excitement for my parents becoming grandparents. I have a new understanding of my Self, my body, my ability to bring life into this world. I feel empowered by my intentions for a 100% natural birth. Although I cannot necessarily pinpoint any particular days in this last half of the year, I am overwhelmed with all the little things that have made it a wonderful year. Between the new, unexpected friendships I have formed and the old friendships that remain just as solid and important as they always have been, my increased confidence as a teacher and new awareness of my body as a student, and the anticipation of seeing my husband become a dad, I am overcome with joy and simply complete.

Farewell 2010. Thank you...

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

2010-12-05T16:43:00.007-05:00

“But how do I start for Emerald City?”
“It's always best to start at the beginning – and all you do is follow the Yellow Brick Road.”
- Dorothy and Glinda the good witch, Wizard of Oz

There are about, oh, I don’t know… hundreds of things I love about Bikram Yoga. I love…

… that I get 90 minutes for me and only me.

… the wonderful community of people that I have formed beautiful, lasting relationships with.

… the way I feel like I can conquer the world after pushing through a tough class.

… that the first time I felt my baby move was during class.

… teaching and inspiring.

… watching students improve their bodies.

… the patience and love for myself that I now have.

But the one thing I would like to talk about today is my love for the fact that ANYBODY can do Bikram yoga. It doesn’t matter how young you are, how old you are, how skinny or fat, or muscular or scrawny, how tall or short, how inflexible or limber, everyone can do this yoga. All you have do is walk in the door.

I love walking into a class room and seeing the variety of students in the room. Some students have broken bodies that are just touching the surface of the healing. Others are there for a good workout, and have not yet found the meditation, the mental clarity, the new-found love for self that follows. I see young college girls that are so bendy, but have no strength, and I see middle-aged former athletes who cannot even kneel comfortably. But these students all have something in common: they walked in the door. And sometimes, that is the biggest challenge.

This yoga is so hard, not just for those with broken bodies. It is hard for everyone. If it’s not hard for you, well then you simply aren’t working hard enough. Even on the days that it seems easy – we still struggle. We struggle for our balance, struggle for our breath, struggle being still, struggle with locking the freaking knee. There is almost always something. Right now, my struggle is learning how to not struggle. It’s learning that this practice is no longer just about me anymore. So when I am getting overwhelmed with the heat and become overly exerted, I am learning that it’s ok for me to stop and sit, or even leave the room if I need to. For this body is no longer my own. I’m sharing it with this precious little life growing inside me that I already madly in love with. And the pretty posture I want to see in the mirror is so miniscule compared to that.

How do we overcome, or even realize these struggles? We have to start at the beginning. Step by step, word by word, breath by breath… If we are not completely present, in the very moment, struggling to just try the right way, while taking care of ourselves, then we have nothing. If we are busy wondering when on earth we will ever be able to get our forehead on the knee, when we can’t even grab the foot, what is the point? If we have sustained an injury, and we are busy worrying about how beautiful Standing Bow Pose looked a week ago, are we really trying to help ourselves NOW? We all have to start every day, every practice, every posture from the beginning. Whatever that beginning is on any given day is always the most perfect place to start.

“There is no such thing as the past.
It exists only in the memory.
There is no such thing as the future.
It exists only in our imagination.
If our watches were truly accurate,
the only thing they would ever say is NOW.”

- Excerpt from a letter from Damien Echols of the West Memphis 3 to Eddie Vedder

On pregnancy

2010-10-20T18:54:00.004-04:00

I am reading the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting, because…Well folks, I’m pregnant! Today I am 15 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I have had so many happy times in my life lately, but this one trumps them all. It just seems to be one happiness on top of another for the past 2 years. This life of mine continues to spin in a direction I never thought it would have 5 years ago. But thankfully, I have found peace with myself, strength in my mind and a sense of balance in my spirit. Who knew that walking into a Bikram yoga studio 6 years ago would have begun the series of events that have gotten me to where I am now? Life works so mysteriously.

Back to my point… this book I am reading is full of a lot of great information. When I’m feeling a little lightheaded, I turn to the book to see why it’s happening and if it is normal. When my heart starts racing a little more than usual because I’ve eaten too much, I turn to the book and find out what is going on inside my body and why. It’s a really great resource for a newly pregnant woman who has never done this before. However, there is one item I have just gotten to that talks about working out and exercise while pregnant that really made my jaw drop. Here is the except:

“Stay cool. Any exercise or environment that raises a pregnant woman’s temperature more than 1.5 degrees should be avoided. So stay out of saunas, steam rooms, or hot tubs, and don’t exercise outdoors in very hot or humid weather or indoors in a stuffy, overheated room (no Bikram yoga).” p 218

I do actually understand that we don’t want our internal temperature to rise too much, if at all. I get this. But who is to say that our temperatures are actually getting higher just because we are sweating in the hot room? Has the author of this book ever even taken a Bikram yoga class? You should see the “exercises” they are suggesting to women! I don’t know that I would call them exercise. They are laughable. I suppose, if the reader is someone who has never done a thing in her life, then perhaps these exercises would account for something. I mean, at least it would get you up and moving. But I can’t see what moving my neck from side to side four times, then sitting Indian style and reaching up toward the ceiling, then doing a shoulder stretch, where you grab your elbow and pull it to the other side of your body would actually do for me. Are these exercises really going to prepare my physical strength and mental stamina for child birth?

I have been practicing Bikram yoga for 6 years, so yes, I am someone who knows my body and my limits very well. I am certainly not saying that a woman who has never done Bikram yoga before should decide to take it up for the first time in the middle of her pregnancy, but you know what? You could! The pregnancy series is actually quite brilliant. Now that I am doing it, I have an even greater appreciation for the modifications and breaks that are built in. The breaks that we take are where we create a lot of compression to our baby-bellies. So it’s Standing Head to Knee, Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee and Rabbit pose. Think about what happens at this point in class… our heart rates SKYROCKET. Standing H2K, this is HUGE cardiovascular work out happening. So we take it off (because of compression to the belly, but I’m making a point here). THEN after Triangle – yowsah! Our hearts are pummeling through our chests right now. So you get a break for Standing Separate H2K. Same thing for Camel Pose… it always feels funny and gets my heart racing, so we get a break after that for Rabbit. There I times I really wish I could keep going, because I’m already starting to miss some of my old friends, like Cobra and Rabbit, but these modifications to the 26 and 2 are so well timed, I have to wonder if it was thought out intentionally back when Bikram created this series. (I sort of doubt it, and feel like it was just one of those wonderful coincidences.)

So I for one, will continue to practice my Bikram yoga as often as possible. When I am in that hot room now, I have a whole new sense of myself. I walk out of that room feeling so good for me, and so good for the little being growing inside me. I know it is making me physically strong and mentally powerful. I am more aware of everything that is happening with my body and with what I am feeling, because I have someone else to take care of now, besides just myself. My ego is no longer in that room with me. I’ve got a new sidekick cheering me on… I can feel it.

Balance

2010-09-26T10:04:00.001-04:00

A solid 3 months has passed and I have completely neglected my blog. And it is not like I haven’t had things to say! I would have experiences in class, either teaching or practicing, and think, “Yes – I have to write about this!” But the thought would come and go, I’d sit down at my laptop to think about writing, and… nothing. I can blame it on the wonderful summer we had. I mean, who wants to be inside sitting at a computer during the most gorgeous summer I can remember, when I could be outside gardening, at the farm stand, or spending time with friends and family at the beach? Or I could blame it on all the STUFF I have been doing with all of my spare time since I quit my “real job” and started teaching full time. I had a huge list that I completed every item on over the summer… and I do feel so accomplished. But you know what, I am not going to blame not blogging on anything. It’s ok. I just didn’t want to I guess. It wasn’t on the top of my priority list. And that is just fine with me.

So what have I been doing with myself for the last 3 months? Well, I have, first and foremost, been growing exponentially as a teacher. Once I went from teaching 2 classes a week to teaching 10 – 12 classes a week, things just started really clicking. I always felt like I was in a good place prior to this, but I just KNEW that I had so much more in me. And once teaching became my main focus, ZHOOOM! I plowed ahead, full steam! I keep collecting more and more tools for my toolbox. And now I actually have ease using this collection of tools. It just goes to show that teaching is just like practicing. The more consistently you do it, the faster you will grow.

Beyond teaching, I have begun doing all the little things that were neglected for so long. I have a clean home, rooms have been de-cluttered, healthy, good meals have been prepared, yard work has been done, a garden tended to, and more time has been spent with friends and family. And on top of that, I am beginning to do some freelance graphic design. What is funny is that I didn’t realize I missed it until I started doing it again. As much as I am now a yoga teacher, I still am a designer and a creative person at heart. I am absolutely loving the balance of it all. I am able to do design work at home, on my own time, with complete focus on what I am doing. (Coming from where I previously came from, the “focus” part of it is something totally new!)

I have been reflecting on the past couple of years, and am in awe at how everything has worked out. That one decision to send in that check to teacher training put a totally unexpected, unlikely, surprising, yet perfect spin on my life. Everything, and I mean everything in my life has changed. From the inside out, bones to skin, fingertips to soul… There is so much more to tell. But right now, on this perfect Sunday morning, the day after our 6 year anniversary, the most important thing for me is to go hang out with my husband, and listen to some Jack Johnson over our morning coffee.

Weeding the Garden

2010-06-23T20:52:00.001-04:00

I figured something out a couple of weekends ago. Weeding is much easier after a heavy rain. Unfortunately, two weeks ago was the first time all year that I have done it. It was mid-June, where we have had an onset of really lovely warm weather this year, followed by some great rain showers… so as you can imagine, our front yard landscaping has turned into a jungle. It is overwhelming. I have tackled about a quarter of it in 2 and a half hours on a Saturday, then another 2 hours on Sunday. Then this past weekend, another 3 hours. Really and great, big mess.

Where am I going with this? Well, I got to thinking, as I was pulling out milk weeds that have grown up to my shoulders – weeding is a lot like the dialogue: If you don’t stick with it on a regular basis, it becomes an enormous undertaking to get it back on track. And just like weeds overtaking our landscaping, if we, as teachers, begin to let these little weeds into our teaching without nipping them in the bud right away, suddenly we are up to our ears spewing all kinds of nonsense that just grows bigger and bigger, and by the time we realize we need to get back on track, we are so far away from the words on the page, we don’t even know how it got so out of hand. (wow… hello, run-on sentence!) But if we stick with the dialogue, even go back to it every week to make sure that there aren’t any weeds creeping in to what we are saying, then our classes will be strong and our students will grow with precision.

I think we have all been in classes where we are listening to the teacher and thinking to ourselves, “Huh? What are they saying??” (Or maybe it is just teachers that do that? I don’t know… I know I did it as a student, too.) These are perhaps teachers that have been teaching for years and years and years. Maybe they are the teachers that went to training when there wasn’t even a “dialogue”. There are so many reasons that people stray away. And once they do, it is overwhelming to attempt to go back. Going back is like looking at a football field full of ragweeds and thinking you have to pull them out by hand one by one. The only way to attempt this massive undertaking is to go square foot by square foot. Or in the case of teaching, posture by posture, sequence by sequence. We can’t expect to peruse thru our entire dialogue in one night and think that it is all going to fix itself that easily. But everyday, if we walk thru our garden and pull out any nagging little weeds, our landscaping will remain pristine, clean and beautiful. And as teachers, if we continue to get feedback from other teachers and work on the understanding and delivery of our dialogue day by day, our students will be the same: pristine, clean, beautiful.

And we all Levitate

2010-06-08T20:04:00.002-04:00

First of all, I have to just say that I am absolutely loving this new life of mine. Teaching full time is a dream job. I’m not actually sure I can even call it a job. It is A-freaking-MA-ZING. But more about that later…

This morning, I taught the 6am class. In the Auburn studio, students tend to roll in pretty early to class. I got there really early – like 5:15 and started with some chores. 5:30am hits, and the first student walks in. Then there was a continuous flow of students until 6 o’clock on the nose. 20 students in the 6am class! This I unbelievable! I’ve had large 6am classes, but this was over and above anything I’ve seen. I mean really – just think of the power of this yoga. To wake that many people up, as the birds are chirping their good morning songs, and into the Bikram Yoga Torture Chamber is pretty powerful stuff.

And what an incredible class it was. Get that many people together that early to start their day, and something pretty cool happens. I watched these simultaneous triangle poses – all four sides – SO STRONG. I couldn’t help but exclaim, “WOW!” I felt such an enormous surge of energy charging at me… like nothing I have felt before while teaching. The intense feeling has been coursing thru my veins all day, like adrenaline barreling me thru life with nothing to hold me back.

I’ve been thinking about that class all day today. I mean, when I walked in, there was literally a buzz of happy, smiling faces. A buzz of students that perhaps felt like they were “in the know”. A charge that I swear you could see! Some of the students that I’ve never seen before at 6am, must’ve been thinking, “I can’t believe how many people come to yoga this early!” And the rest of the regulars that are there for the early classes seemed to have all shown up on the same day. They must have been thinking, “Yes! More people means more energy!” And me? I literally walk into the room saying, “What are you all doing here? This is AWESOME!” And start giggling with giddy excitement for the class ahead of me.

All that I know right now is that I have seen before me the power you can ride off of with collective energy. Can you imagine if the entire state of Massachusetts woke up early to come to yoga class on any given day? The entire country? The world?? I’m having a hard time finding the words. I just know that that energy could cure cancer, create world peace, and quite possibly, make us all levitate.

Cleaning up the clutter

2010-05-19T20:40:00.002-04:00

Have you ever looked around yourself and been overwhelmed with all the “stuff” in your life? It’s not just physical, tangible things that I am talking about here. How much “extra baggage” to we carry around in our day-to-day lives? All the things we do in life, because perhaps we feel like we should, like we are obligated, like if we don’t do it, someone is going to get hurt or feel bad or not like us. Why? All the mental clutter that crowds our minds: “Is my job safe?” or “Are we going to be ok?” or “Why aren’t I good enough?”

As I embark in the next phase of my life, I feel so much like I really have to “clean house”. Yes, definitely in the literal sense, but even more than that. With everything I have been doing for the past year (full-time job, practicing, teaching, softball, cooking, friends, family, LIFE!), I feel like this transition is a way for me to really clean up shop. I look around our home and can see all this STUFF. It is so easy to accumulate a lot over the course of a few years… bills piled up high, notebooks full of to-do lists and half-baked ideas, empty boxes from new appliances that you can’t quite throw away just in case. I can’t help but think that if I clean up all the STUFF, I am going to gain more focus, more clarity, more spirit of self. If we are crowded by things that have no purpose in our lives, why do we continue to hold on to them? I can probably go thru boxes and closets and find things I didn’t even know or remember I had. What use is this? Will my life be any less fulfilling or happy without these things?

I’ve been thinking that moving on from my job is another way that I am removing that which does not serve me. My job turned in to something I no longer LOVE. There are still the parts that get my adrenaline going, but the majority of my days were spent thinking about what I REALLY want to be doing. And what is really cool is that after making that final decision to move forward with teaching on a full-time basis, I found out that I am still going to be able to continue doing some design, getting the best of both of my worlds. Only this time, it’s in my own control. I’m cleaning up the daily ho-hum and refocusing myself on where I am meant to be. Is it scary? Well, hell yeah. But the knowledge and certainty I feel is astounding. I mean, shit, if I can take ALL of my energy and focus it on yoga, there is no telling what I can accomplish. There is so much I can give. It's my karma yoga to give it. And not only that, there is so much more for me to learn.

So as I mop up all the muddle, I dream of this ongoing journey of life. Where things come and go, and paths are undefined and clear. Where the jumble jams the pathway, only to see that goal in the far away distance, refocus my sights, clean the clutter in the way, and continue on the straight road, while filling myself up with the beauty of the scenery on the way.

A change gonna do me good

2010-04-21T21:13:00.002-04:00

I have an announcement that I can finally share with the world. (Err… well, at least my few readers!) I am quitting my job to become a full time yoga teacher! There! I said it!!! It’s out there. I’ve been thinking about it since the first day I taught my first class. I may have even been thinking about it since I took my first class, but who knows?

I’ve said since the very beginning that I was going to give my job a full year, to see if I could get back into the swing of things. That was always my intention. I don’t think I knew how much this teaching thing would take over my being. But it has. And so now, exactly 3 days from the anniversary of me leaving for Teacher Training in California, I can finally say with conviction that this is what I want to do.

I am ready for change. I’ve been working as a graphic designer in the crazy trade show industry for 10 years. And the last 5 years, I’ve been the director of graphic design for a company that has gone from 4 people to about 70 people in those 5 years. I’ve grown as a designer, I’ve grown as a manager, and I’ve grown as a woman. Lucky for me, it is the type of company that inspires personal growth. When I broached the subject of me leaving for 9 weeks to pursue the goal of becoming a certified Bikram yoga instructor, I was not met with “you want to do what??” I was met with, “Ok… let’s figure out how to make this work.” Not to say that I wouldn’t have done it anyways. Who really knows? But everything I’ve been able to do, I’ve been able to do with confidence because of the people who surround me every day with support.

This change is huge. Hey – might as well go big or go home, right? The high-stress, deadline-driven, madness that was my job will soon be replaced with teaching yoga, something I don’t even consider a “job”. My hours will be cut in half (as will my salary... yikes!). Right now, I am teaching 2 – 4 classes per week, working my full-time job, and practicing on a daily basis. As you can imagine – there’s not much extra time in my life for quality time with my husband, friends and family. So I’m really looking forward to having more time. Time for me. Time for Tim. Just time.

It’s funny how life flips upside-down on us sometimes. I was so career driven only 4 short years ago. So much so that my life was controlled by it. I wanted the big job, wanted the nice clothes, the “stuff” that was supposed to make me happy. I thrived on the fast-pace stress that consumed my days. And now, my priorities have done a 180. My happiness is most important. For me to say that I want to make us a nice home – you never would have heard that come out of my mouth, until now. This evolution of Self often surprises me. I think, “Who is this, and what have you done with Danielle?” But this is me. It’s who I have become. I’m ready to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n. Ready for a new pace. Ready to evolve as a teacher. Only teaching a few classes a week, I feel like I really haven’t been able to develop myself as a teacher. I’m ready to see what is in store for me.

This new life of mine is going to be different. Exactly one week after I graduated from college, I began working. The 8:00 – 5:00 job is all I know. I am now going to be teaching 2 – 3 classes a day, at 4 different studios around Massachusetts… all various times of the day! I’ll be somewhere different every day. I’ll be working with different students every day. I am ready to dive in. Head first. With no swimmies.

Damn. That feels good!

Fresh Pot!!

2010-04-01T11:34:00.001-04:00

I have an addiction.

To coffee.

It’s been 11 months since it started. Late nights at teacher training is when this addiction began. And it hasn’t stopped since. There is something to be said about juicing yourself up with coffee then going to teach a hyped-up, caffine-induced, energetic-can’t-stop-talking-yoga-class.

I love the taste. I love when it is piping hot. I love it so much that I went and bought a really nifty little (well…not really little) Thermos that keeps your coffee hot for 12 hours! You heard right – 12 HOURS. Sweet Jesus.

And so now, I sit here at work, with yet another shot poured from my nifty little Thermos, realizing that yes, I AM addicted to coffee. Perhaps when life calms down a little, I will be able to ween myself off a little. Just maybe.

After 2 months of not posting, this is my post. I’m looking forward to a time when I can come back more steadily to this blog…. Soon my friends. Soon.

And speaking of caffine – you MUST watch this!

The quest to learn how to let it go

2010-02-06T23:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes disappointment comes in many forms. We often disappoint ourselves, whether it is in our jobs, our relationships, or in our yoga. Fortunately, the feeling of disappointment in yoga only lasts for brief moments. The feeling of, “Oh, I am having such a bad class” or, “my bow pose will never improve.” Lucky for us, the next day, there is a new class. A new you. The slate is wiped clean. It doesn’t matter what we did yesterday. All that matters is the here and the now.

So why does the feeling of disappointment grip so much longer and tighter in real life? When these feelings take a hold, why are they so hard to let go? I speak so loudly of the wonderful effects that yoga has on my life, and how it is a perfect correlation of so many amazing things in my life. But when it comes to feelings of sadness, hurt, disappointment, embarassment… why can’t I wipe it away as easily as a “bad class”?

I guess the only difference is that yoga is only about me. It is me, and my body, and my reflection in the mirror. How do I turn that solidarity within myself in the hot room into solidarity outside of the hot room? How do I keep my heart strings in check, with the knowledge that my peace has been stolen?

“If anybody steals your peace, YOU are the loser!”

How do we “let it go” like a bad class?

When feelings are involved, how can we NOT be affected?

Guest Post on Bikram 101

2010-02-06T23:06:00.001-05:00

Check out my guest post on Bikram 101!!

Busting out of the Comfort Zone

2010-01-24T18:33:00.003-05:00

As we approach the last week of January, can anyone answer me this: Where the hell did January go??? Seriously, time has been flying by for me. And I am proud to say that I am now 24 classes deep for 2010! And I’m showing no signs of stopping! I feel amazing. I love practicing yoga everyday. There are times it feels like getting there is a chore. Bikram yoga is a HUGE time commitment, and there are times when I just want to sleep until 7am instead of 5am, and times that I want to go home and relax after work instead of getting home from yoga at 7:30 in the evening. But every time I get myself in the hot room, 90 minutes later, I am glad I did.

Besides feeling amazing from yoga, I’ve taken a real turn in my eating habits. I’ve never really been a “bad” eater, but my brother has taught me an awful lot about nutrition, and I’m now spending more time in my life to actually make better and more healthy eating habits. I have found that my energy level is way up. All day. I’m primarily eating only real food. You know, the kind that was once alive, the kind that doesn’t have shit preservatives pumped into it, the kind that our bodies were made to eat. It’s a lot of work. The limited time I have at home lately is spent preparing healthy meals for the next day. It’s all worth it though. My brother had a phenomenal post a while back that really hit home for me. Read it. You’ll like it.

I spent last weekend at Kripalu in the Berkshires for a weekend long yoga retreat/seminar with Rajashree Choudhury. It was from Friday to Monday. My friend Michele and I went last year and had a blast. When we went last year, I had just sent in my payment for teacher training. I was brimming with anticipation and emotion and excitement. So going back this year was meaningful to me. I got to meet a lot of teachers and I felt like a part of something BIG. On the first day, we got to meet everyone in the group. Listening to everyone’s stories of how they came to love Bikram yoga and how it changed their lives was incredibly inspiring. It felt so right to be there, as a teacher… as someone whose life has also changed for the better. Funny side story: As the microphone is going around the room and people are introducing themselves, my crazy anxiety that I get from public speaking totally hit me!! I was shocked how strongly it came on. Michele and I were toward the back of the room, so I pretty much had to wait an hour before I got the microphone. Lucky for me, the woman just before me told her story – she had cancer and said she never would have made it without Bikram Yoga. I was in tears. It totally took the edge off of having to speak. I guess my nervous emotions came out in tears, and I was good to go from there.

I also went and taught at a different studio yesterday, which was totally exciting and surreal for me. Teri Almquist was one of my first instructors where I practice (and now teach), and she now owns a studio in Andover. I’ve been wanting to go and teach for her, and we finally worked it out. So I get there and ask her if Saturday’s 4m class is usually busy. She says “No, not really.” That makes me kind of happy because then I a can probably catch a few names and really give some corrections and do my normal class. Well, people begin to roll in, and roll in, and ROLL IN! It was incredible. I think I had 12 brand new students, another handful of students still on their intro special, some solid experienced students and 2 teachers. I NEVER get that in Auburn! Suddenly my excitement and nervousness starts to creep in, I walk into the studio introduce myself and begin class. MAN was I nervous! It was so weird! I think I settled into my very first class quicker than I did yesterday! I don’t think I actually saw any bodies until 20 minutes into class. It was really fun though, and I hope to be able to go back there and teach. The students absolutely love Teri and they have great practices. I could tell that they have solid, dialogue-driven teachers. The new students did really well, too. With my nerves kicked in, Teri said to me, “Just say the dialogue.” And what do you know! It really works!! (As if I didn’t already know that…)

One more thing that is really exciting for me. (And will likely cause me another bout of nerves!!) The Holy Cross crew team is coming into the yoga studio every Thursday evening for class for the next 5 weeks. They started last week. I wasn’t there. I didn’t teach. However, Sunny (teacher) and Sam (the owner), thought I might like to teach that class. I usually love to have big classes and a few new students. Well, this will be 40 new students… athletic, young, brand new fellas in one class. I know it will be great practice for me and that I will probably learn a lot, so I was psyched when I was asked if I wanted to give it a try. I’m going to continue to push myself further and further out of my comfort zone. Because you know what? That is when we really begin to grow. ☺

And now for some comparison posture pics (and more)!!

Riding the wave

2010-01-04T11:56:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year, everybody! As I look back at 2009, I smile. It was one of my best years ever. And as I look to 2010, I get giddy with anticipation of the wonderful things to come. I know it is going to be a beautiful year. As the winds of change start picking up, I will write all about it.

I awoke on the first day of 2010 (with a slight hangover) with the strong intention to practice. But once that time actually came, I was easily swayed to go out to breakfast with some friends. The second day of 2010, I set my alarm to go to 8am class, then re-set it to go to 10am class, then turned off the alarm and decided I would go to the 4pm class. And as 3:00 rolled along, my husband and I got a call from our best friends to meet them for lunch. Day 2 of 2010 did not include yoga. I had a brief moment of guilt, and another moment of disappointment. All these people with their New Year’s resolutions have started their year Gung-Ho! And I have started mine spending time with friends. Wait a minute… that doesn’t sound so bad after all!

Sometimes it is hard to fit it all in. Practicing, teaching, working, preparing my meals, spending time at home with Tim, and finding time for friends and family ends up being a balancing act. I WANT to do them all. In fact, I NEED to do them all. The time spent building relationships is what keeps me sane. The hard work that my husband and I do everyday – its reward is our down time with each other. Being able to do what we want to do with the people that we love. Spending all day in our jammies on a snowy Saturday is what we have earned, right? So why do these feelings of guilt and disappointment creep in when I take a day or two off of yoga? I’m not sure I have a definite answer. I know how amazing I feel when I practice. It energizes my day, revitalizes my being, even changes the way I feel. I love the every day challenge. I love that every day, something different happens to me in that room. The transformation my body and mind has made over the past 4 years is possibly the answer. But why guilt? Should I feel guilty for wanting to sleep in with my husband? Should I feel disappointment that I decided to hang out with my friends instead of practice? I know I shouldn’t. I don’t always feel this way. I think the combination of a couple of things exemplified these feelings.

The first thing being “the start to the new year”. I think everyone goes into a brand new year thinking, “Ok, this is going to be the year.” We go in strong and determined. Start strong, end strong, right? The second thing: Knowing that all sorts of yogis around the world have started the Bikram 101 Challenge. They’ve started with such amazing willpower, strength and determination. (Bikram 101 started on January 1^st around the globe. 101 classes in 101 days.) And I had breakfast. And slept in. And ate lunch. Instead.

What is funny is that I originally said to myself that I am not going to “commit” to Bikram 101. I know my work schedule gets crazy mid-winter, where it is difficult to get to class. I also have a week long vacation to Mexico in February. So committing to the challenge of 101 classes in 101 days is pretty daunting. But you know, I was going to give it an effort. And just this morning, on my bleary-eyed drive to work after a wonderfully long, relaxing weekend, I realized that it’s not too late. (Wait a minute... I think I've heard that somewhere.) Yes, I missed Day 1 and Day 2 of this huge challenge. I started my 2010 with a thud not a bang. But 2 days is easy to make up. In fact, I am going to a weekend-long yoga-fest in the Birkshires with Rajashree in a couple weekends, where I am going to be taking 2 classes a day no matter what. There you go! Those classes are already made up!

This funny little wave of silly emotions is now over. I still have not officially committed myself to the challenge, but I’m starting with 30 in January, since my home studio is once again doing a New Years 30-day challenge. And I am really excited to see what happens after that. No more guilt. No more disappointment. The good old, valiant, “Danielle effort” is all I know. No choice.

Things to come

2009-12-21T22:22:00.000-05:00

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… Well, besides the fact that I hate the cold weather and snow, I’m still feeling happier than ever. The past 3 or 4 years I just haven’t been a holiday kind of gal. But a lot has changed in me in the last half a year. I’ve got all these maternal feelings that have taken ahold of me, I’ve become a more giving person, and yes… I actually got a Christmas tree. And it is beautiful. It may be the most perfect tree ever. (Unfortunately, the night we put it up, the tree had and accident and ended up smashing on the floor in the middle of the night. But let’s not go there right now, because you know what I’m exuding positivity and sticking with it!)

And well, this 30 day challenge is sadly coming to an end soon. I’ve got 4 classes left to take, so as I planned, I will be done on Christmas Eve. I know I can keep it going if I want to, but between Christmas and New Years I know I’ve got a few days I won’t get to class. But it’s ok. I love that I decided to commit myself to it, because I have truly enjoyed this 30 day challenge more than any other. It could be because I feel more connected with so many of the students that are also doing it, now that I am teaching. It could be that I love that I get to be at the studio and see all the people I love on a very regular basis. It could be that wonderful sense of unity that you feel when you are going thru something with others. It’s all of these things, I am sure. But mostly, I think it is because I have pushed myself to new heights, and feel incredibly strong. I have felt so in tune with my practice, my body, and my strength. I continuously work on my goals that I set on the first day, and can see clear improvements. Dare I say I don’t hate Bow Pose anymore?? Perhaps…. ☺

Things are just good. All around. I’m looking forward to holiday parties and spending time with family. I’m excited to see my dad’s side of the family. I’ve just realized that I haven’t seen them since I’ve been back from training!! I get to meet a new little cousin (who actually isn’t really “new” at this point, seeing she was born on May 5th!!) I get to spend time with my brother and his girlfriend, which makes me incredibly happy. We don’t get to see each other as much as we used to, so I’m looking forward to that. I am thrilled to have some time off of work and to be able to spend some snuggle time with Tim. I feel like my teaching has taken a great turn. The past few weeks, a little bit more has “clicked”. Things are just good.

I am psyched for tomorrow. I took the day off of work to have an all-yoga-all-the-time day. I’m teaching at 6am, taking at 8am, then heading to West Roxbury to take the advanced class with Diane. Sounds like there is going to be a good group of folks there. I finally get to meet thedancingj, after 3 years of chatting online. I’ve convinced another teacher, Laura, to take the day off with me so we can ride up together. We’ve got a nice friendship and so much in common, I often think we have parallel lives.

So as I embark on a short night of rest, I am hoping for deep sleep, sweet dreams, and a continuations of all things that are good in the world.

Struggle, struggle, struggle!!

2009-12-09T21:05:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow marks the halfway point of my 30 day challenge! It is going really great. I’m loving that I am forced to find the time to make it to class every day. It’s not as if I normally have to “force” myself to class, but with my hectic schedule, I often find myself pushing that extra hour of work that I have to get done, which makes me miss class. But now – NO CHOICE!!

My body is feeling fantastic. I’m finding new muscles that are getting sore, and new depths to some postures. It always amazes me that after almost 5 years of practice, I can still wake up the next morning with a new soreness in my body. I got super deep bending left side in half moon the other day. I looked at myself and thought “Wow. So. Cool. That’s me!!” And on that same day, I got into my middle back in something… I’m still not quite sure what posture. But I woke up feeling more alive in that part of my back than ever. Such a good pain! Getting to that point beyond the normal depth that we are comfortable with is always an accomplishment. And feeling it in the body (all over, inside out, bones to skin) is when our bodies really start to change. I’ve been trying to stress this while I am teaching, too. It is so important to go beyond that normal place of comfort. If you are just hanging out balancing for the full minute of Standing Bow, you are not working hard enough. You need to fall forward sometimes. You need to kick so hard that you lose your balance. Even though the dialogue says “if you lose the balance, you’re not kicking hard enough”, that does not mean that we can just hang out there forever. Falling is not failure. Getting back in and struggling just as hard is success.

Which brings me to what I have been working on, which is my stamina in Standing Bow.

It is getting better. Off and on though. But ever since I have made up my mind to work on holding it longer, I have actually been able to in the majority of classes. I still struggle with just getting too damn tired in that first set. I’m not looking for these thirty days to suddenly reinvent my Standing Bow, where I can hold it the whole time, all the time. But little by little, I will get there. I have had a couple of classes where I actually have found myself relaxing into that posture. Hard to explain. "Relaxing" might not be the right word… There is a point where I am kicking back and up so hard and stretching my fingertips forward so hard that I have a sudden realization of ease. Then I put a big ol’ goofy smile on my face, and that is my posture!

I still don’t know that I can talk fully about any major improvements in Floor Bow. The past 14 days have brought me to somewhat look forward to the posture a little more because I have found some clarity in it. I want so badly to improve in that one. I totally understand why that posture is where it is in class, but damn! I am so spent after the previous three postures! That could certainly be a part of my struggle. But enough excuses. My exhaustion doesn’t really matter – all that matters is that I stick it out and try as hard as possible to do the posture 100% the right way to the very best of my ability. And someday, eventually, in the future… I will improve, I will progress, and maybe, just maybe, even learn to like that posture a little bit.

Halfway mark – here I come!!

One Day after the Next

2009-12-03T20:42:00.000-05:00

I just finished my 8th day of the 30 day challenge. I’m feeling pretty good. Tonight’s class was awesome. It kicked my asana, was challenging, but not to the point of sitting anything out. I always consider that a great class. A good challenging ass kicking in Bikram Yoga is why we all continue to show up every day, right?

Well yesterday was quite different. It was a serious ass whooping… slaying… pummeling… whatever the word is; it was TOUGH. I absolutely killed myself in all the postures up to Standing Bow, was feeling strong, then – THUD. My hands and forearms got tingly and fatigue just hit my whole body. The next few postures I joined in slowly and half-assed them as best as I could, then finally had to sit out the first set of Triangle. The teacher, Sunny, has a nice long one, so it was a good break. I got my butt up for the second set, and Sunny says to me, “You can do it, Danielle!” THAT statement took me through the rest of the class. Every time I wanted to stop and rest, my brain said, “you can do it, Danielle!”

I’ve said it before, but it is true – we are so much stronger than we think we are. Strength of mind, strength of body, strength of will. It’s not every day that we get to really push our strengths to heir limits, but when we do… it feels so good. And when we pass over that supposed limit that we think we are at, well now THAT is powerful. In this yoga class, we have all experienced the feeling of defeat. It bums us out a little, but we go back the next day with that knowledge that every day is different, and if yesterday was bad, today will probably rock. But there are those moments in those killer classes that something happens to help us push through. Sometimes it’s the teacher’s comment (whether directed at you or not), and sometimes it’s something inexplicable. Whatever that “something” is, every day is different than the last. All we can do is put one foot after the other, one posture at a time, one breath at a time, and carry ourselves through class with no expectations, open hearts, and English bull dog determination. ☺

(Side note: I’d like to give a great big THANK YOU to miss dancingj for her tip on floor bow. Still not loving the posture, but I think I’ve found it! It’s a kick UP like in standing bow… brilliant!! I can feel it in my glutes, which I’ve never felt before! Rock on! I hope to write more about this soon.)

Holiday 30-Day Challenge - Here I go again!

2009-11-27T14:38:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving Day class marked the start of what we are calling the “Holiday 30-Day Challenge”. Students can pick any 30 days in a row between Thanksgiving and New Years to complete their thirty days. It’s a tough time of year to dedicate yourself to this. I know how busy we all get with holiday parties with co-workers, family and friends, but I’ve committed myself to it, and am feeling confident that I will complete it. I was having some hesitation writing my name down for it, but took a deep breath, set my goal, and VIOLA! I’m there.

Since I have been back from training, it has been a struggle finding the time to practice. I have found that 4 to 5 days a week is pretty consistent for me. I’m looking forward to pushing myself to making the time for yoga practice. Christmas Day will mark the completion date, however, my goal is actually to complete it a day early so I can sleep in with my husband, spend time in our PJs in front of the tree, and relax. ☺ That means at least one double, probably more. I haven’t done a double since training, which is funny because I when I came back, I had some high aspirations that I’d double up a couple times a week.

I figure I should set a yoga goal or two for these 30 days. I realized in class yesterday that I need to work on my stamina in Standing Bow. I think that possibly two times in my life, I have held the first set of this posture for the entire duration of the pose. I know that I give up sometimes. But I also know that I fall out even more than give up because I am kicking and pushing so hard. So there. I am going to work on holding it. The whole time. YAY! The other posture I want to improve upon has been my nemesis since the very beginning, Bow Pose (on the floor). I dislike/hate relationship with this pose. I have NEVER liked it. I have NEVER been very good at it. And I can NEVER get my legs 6 inches apart!! Such a struggle for me. There is so much for me to work on: getting my wrists straight, getting my legs closer, getting my legs higher, figuring out the difference between toes pointed and toes pointed out. And I might as well work on not dreading this posture every time we get to it! It just the one pose where I mostly feel like it is horrible, and the rest of the time I think, ‘well, I guess that didn’t suck.”

Of course, I see the correlation of the two poses. And of course, I know that if I can get one to improve, the other will likely follow. Hmmm… maybe I should take some pics after class this weekend.

I am hoping to be able to write a little bit more during these 30 days. I have a lot of things going on in my head and my life, and I hope to find the time to write, because it is another wonderful outlet for me. I will do my best!! But for now, I have to change and guzzle some water so I can head to the 3:30 class – DAY 2 of my 30 days!!

Wish me luck!

You are stronger than you think you are

2009-11-06T22:48:00.002-05:00

I was just reading a blog post about standing head to knee, and it got me thinking about the posture. I might be in the minority, but this posture might be my MOST favorite. (And I say MOST favorite because I have few… but this one takes the cake.) So why is it my favorite?

I’ve taken myself back to when I first started practicing. It’s just amazing to go back there sometimes. First of all, this whole “locked knee” thing just didn’t make ANY sense to me. When I thought “locked knee”, I just knew that all of my life, it was important to keep my knees soft. (Where did that come from, I wonder?) So when teachers would tell me to lock my knee, in my head, I would think, “No, that’s not what they really mean.” And then one day, I figured out what they meant. CONTRACT YOUR THIGH MUSCLE. Kneecap lifts up! I can’t tell you how long it took me to realize wheat a locked knee was. Perhaps a couple of weeks. Maybe more. Maybe less. What amazes me right now, at this present moment, is that I could not stand there on that solid, concrete, lamppost, locked knee for half the posture. Perhaps amazement isn’t the right word. Maybe it should be pride… accomplishment… determination.

How far have you come in your practice? Go back there. I guarantee you will feel a sense of pride within yourself. I observe so many postures that I have grown dramatically in. And the best thing is, there is SO MUCH MORE. I used to dive in and out of workout routines. Five years ago, I never would have thought that a series of 26 postures, in the same order, every single time, would keep me interested. But those accomplishments that occur on a weekly basis keep Bikram Yoga so fresh and so challenging and so intriguing to me. Standing Head to Knee is my favorite posture!! I mean, really? And there are still 5 more things that I KNOW I need to work on while I am in it. And once I get those 5 things solid and concrete…. The next challenge will be there. At training, when the Advanced Series was demonstrated to us, my jaw dropped when I saw Juan let go of his foot, with his head on his knee, and Just. Hold it. There. WHAT??

I will do that some day.

How do I know that? I just do. I’ve seen the strides I have taken in my practice over the last 4 years. I say strides, but I really mean leaps. Bounds. This is what yoga is all about. It is about realizing your potential. It is about pushing yourself to achieve the impossible. We are so much stronger than we think we are. And every single day, as I look at myself in the mirror, I struggle. Sometimes I don’t struggle as much, but no matter what, I struggle. And when I walk out of that room, having endured those 90 uninterrupted minutes of my life, I see a more confident me… a stronger me… a more empowered me. And that person who walked into class for the first time slowly begins to evolve into someone else. Someone that no limits. Someone like me.

The dialogue is always there

2009-10-19T23:00:00.000-04:00

I woke up Sunday with a horrible head cold, a sore throat, and a nose that wouldn’t stop running. Ok. Fine. Everyone gets sick. And when I get sick, it usually doesn’t last very long. So I wake up today (Monday) after a night where my husband says he thought he was sleeping next to Darth Vader, and I’m still not feeling so hot. But I have lots to do at work, and a sick day is just not in the cards for me. It’s just a cold anyways. Suck it up.

Halfway thru the day, I realize that it’s Monday and I have to teach tonight. I haven’t bothered trying to find someone to teach for me, so I figure that I will take class first at 5:30, which usually clears up a head cold temporarily, and I will be good to go for teaching. (At least that was the intention that I set out to the world.)

I set myself up in the back row, which is not the norm for me, but I knew that I might struggle and didn’t want to bring anyone down with me. Class is going pretty well, actually, although it feels like I am sweating even more profusely than ever. I finally had to take a knee and get my heart rate back to normal. No big deal. After all, I am sick!! We get to the floor, and I had an emotional release. It took me by total surprise. The only time I have ever cried in class was in training. And there is a LOT going on at training, so it’s not too surprising. Well, there I was back at training for a few moments. It was 100% a relived moment. I remember so clearly the day during the morning class at training, when I was as sick as a dog, and just lost it. I won’t say that I lost it today. It was more of a quick release that went almost as quickly as it came. It was a re-creation of my physical past experience: the way my body and head were feeling, the actual class, the pressure I was feeling about teaching class next. And boom! It all came out. I don’t know that I have anything to say about it right now (probably because I just took a big shot of NyQuil), but I found the whole thing very interesting. I may speculate more on it later.

Anyways, that is really not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about what came next. Teaching. I feel like I have a temperature, my ears are blocked, my throat is sore, and I have a cement block pressing down on my head. And the microphone is broken. And my mentor, Linda, is taking my class. And Charlie and Jen come to take my class. So I’m feeling anxious about the whole situation. Under normal circumstances, without the sickness, I’d be a little nervous. But now I’m actually concerned. Never the less, I make the commitment to give every ounce of energy that I have in me to the class. And I do. It was HARD. Really hard. I struggled with my dialogue in Pranayama Breathing. My brain was totally not finding anything besides “Chest up, Spine straight, full lungs”. But that’s ok. I forgive myself. I realize I am sweating as much as I was sweating when I took the class prior. UH OH!

But somehow, the rest of class went well. I had a hard time with my breath, because I was having a hard time breathing. I haven’t had to remind myself to BREATHE since training. And also, I felt like I was shouting the whole time. I don’t have a very loud voice, so I may have over-compensated for the lack of the microphone. But all in all, it was good. I had a hard time giving corrections, and realized that I just had to stick to the dialogue. The corrections are already built in. Just say the dialogue. It is there. The words were put on that paper for a reason. And even though I felt like it was not my best class, it was good. The students were strong. They listened. They even laughed a little. They gave me back what I needed to make it a good class, and in turn, I continued to give back what was given to me.

I learned a few very important lessons today:

1. Trust the dialogue. When all else might be crumbling, it is there.

2. Give and you will get back.

And as much as I may have learned “life lessons” from #1 and #2… #3 is…

3. If you’re sick and have to teach, don’t try to be a hero… at least try to find someone to cover for you!!!

And on that note, the NyQuil has definitely clouded any finesse that I was trying to end with. So good night. xoxo

All the right reasons

2009-10-09T21:28:00.002-04:00

I took my favorite (and first) teacher, Linda's class tonight at 5:30. It was such a doozy for me. I was struggling with my breath and my stamina, and had one of those insanely mentally challenging classes. I have a love/hate relationship with those classes. I try so hard to push thru that mental challenge. You know, the “Oh my god, it’s too hot, my heart is racing, I want to DIE” kind of class. Lately, I would say that 95% of the time, I can push through. Today was one of those days. I pushed through. I struggled. I did it. The feeling after those classes, after the 15 minutes of trying to put words together to make actual sentences, is amazing. Is that why we push so hard? For the aftermath blissful feeling? For the internal sense of accomplishment? For what?

In one of the savasanas, Linda said, “I was having one of those classes the other day where I just didn’t want to be there. But there were two brand new students behind me. So I fought through. Sometimes you practice for yourself. Sometimes you practice for others.” I found that so appropriate. And so true. I thought to myself, who am I fighting for here? One of my best friends, Michele, was right beside me struggling just as much as I was. I was pushing myself to help her, too. I knew if I hit the mat, she probably would have felt like she could have also. I did it for Linda. I don’t get to take her class very often, and damn if I am going to sit out when I get 100% of her energy, knowledge and love in class!! And yes, I did it for me. Because I know I am strong. I know that sometimes it is all in my head. I KNOW I can do anything.

Sometimes I lay it all out on the table for someone else. And sometimes it is just for me. I think they are equally important. And when we can realize that our own beings can lift others… well, now that is yoga.

Tomorrow is a new day

2009-10-06T22:03:00.001-04:00

The New England Regional Yoga Championship is October 24th. I’ve been saying that I am going to compete. And now it is less than 3 weeks away and I haven’t got a routine. The only thing I did to prepare myself was to go to Diane’s studio and take an Advanced Class / Coaching Session. This was over 3 weeks ago. I was intimidated with the advanced postures, and truly have no clue what I would do for my optional postures. I feel pretty disappointed with myself, but I really just don’t think I am going to enter the competition.

I hate to give excuses. But I have been so busy with life. My full time job has been insanely challenging and taking up every ounce of energy that I have for the last month or so. I feel like I haven’t got much left in me after work, so I haven’t taken the time to even THINK about competing, never mind train for it. I didn’t set my intention. I didn’t add it to my list. And now, I feel it is too late. My studio owner, Sam, says that I should still do it, just for the experience. But I don’t feel like I can. It’s funny, I am no longer a “No I can’t” kind of person. What is going on here? What is this negativity creeping into my being? Tomorrow, my goal is to awaken that me that I found 3 months back. That “I can do anything” me. I think I like her a lot better.

Ummm....

2009-09-28T15:35:00.003-04:00

I'm just not sure what to say about this.... Anti-Gravity Yoga.

A beginner all over again

2009-09-14T22:22:00.002-04:00

My first advanced class was quite an experience. I went to the West Roxbury studio because Diane Ducharme was holding a coaching session for anyone who is going to compete in the New England Regionals. She suggested that I take the beginners class first so that I would be warmed up enough to get into some of the advanced postures. The first class was amazing. Really hard, really juicy, and one of those mind-over-matter classes that when you are done, you feel like you really accomplished something.

I’m sitting in the studio after class with some fellow teachers, sweating my ass off for a good half hour, trying to regain some semblance of normalcy, and realize that *shit* I have to take another class!! Whoa. A few grapes, some coconut water, a liter of Smart Water, some internal positive reinforcement, and I’m good to go.

The Advanced class starts. It starts with the same breathing exercise as in the beginner class, Pranayama Breathing - only, like, 168 times faster. After 4 breaths, I’m totally lost. I catch back on again toward the end. Just in time for the breathing to be over. Super. Next we do these salutes to the sun gods or moon goddesses or both, I’m not sure. Ummm… ok??!?! Can someone please slow down and let me catch up?!?! By now, I’m back to being completely doused in sweat, and we haven’t really even begun!

This is pretty much how the class went. Every so often I’d be in sync with everyone, but more often than not, I’m looking around, just trying to see what it is I’m supposed to be doing, or looking at other people completely dumbfounded. A few times, I would think ‘I will never be able to do that’. Only to remember my first few months practicing Bikram yoga, and realizing that YES, with practice, yes, I will be able do that. It has given me a whole new appreciation for the new students that come into class. We were all there once. But after you’ve been practicing for a while, it is easy to forget what it is like. As a teacher, getting those looks that say, “Am I doing this right?” or “What the hell am I supposed to do?” is always hard. I just want to say “Listen to my words; I’m telling you exactly what to do!” But when you are new to something, you don’t hear even half of what you are being told. In the advanced class, I was laughing at myself even doing the postures that I knew incorrectly! Sensation overload! Systems crashing!!

It was so wonderful to get that new student/beginner perspective again. I mean, I felt like I had never practiced yoga before in my life!! Lucky for me, I can easily laugh at myself. I certainly wasn’t getting frustrated at all, just amused at how clumsy I must have looked. There was a point in class, where I was doing a posture called Frog Pose (I think). You sit on the floor with your legs spread wide, then kind of get your arms under your legs and you sort of are flattened to the floor. I was much better at it than I thought I would be until... Uh oh. I’m stuck. Really stuck!!! Someone call an ambulance, my legs are strapped over my shoulders!!! Oh man, I laughed and laughed. (I almost dislocated my shoulder, but dammit, I’ll laugh while doing it!!)

It was so much fun to see the possibilities before me. I was completely humbled watching all of these amazing bodies go into such strong postures. Knowing now that our bodies (and minds) are pliable and can be trained to do things you never thought possible, I have new goals, new aspirations, new ambitions. I have a renewed sense of where I can go. All these fresh aches and pains have made me feel so alive, and so sure that there is so much more in me that I haven’t even seen yet.

I’ve only just touched the surface.

Just have to share...

2009-09-12T18:04:00.002-04:00

I took my first advanced class today. Took the beginners class prior to that, which had already kicked my ass, then became a beginner all over again in the advanced class. What I want to share is that I've been staring at a blank page for about 15 minutes. My ass was literally handed to me today. I'm hoping tomorrow I have some brain cells left that did not sweat out onto mat so I can actually recap my experience. Until then... I'll just limp around. :)

Me, the teacher!

2009-09-09T21:13:00.000-04:00

How about this… I freaking LOVE teaching Bikram Yoga. L-O-V-E Love it. Every day that I lead a class through the series, I fall more and more in love with it. I am starting to find my way up on the podium. I really feel like I am finally making connections with the students and the dialogue. I’m giving corrections without losing my flow of class. And I’m even cracking jokes and (what???) having FUN UP THERE!!

I have to start off my saying, I know teaching is not about me. I know this. But I think it is healthy and wonderful to have my own sense of accomplishment. I think back to the panic attacks I would have during posture clinics at training, and can see just how far I have really come. Deep down, I always knew I would be ok when I got back to actually teaching, but there was always that anticipation and anxiety and unknown element. So here I am. Me. The teacher. It’s finally happening. I’ve had the certificate for about 11 weeks now. But in the last few weeks, I really feel like I have become a teacher.

This just occurred to me: I think it might all be connected. My previous post about my own practice suddenly evolving into this power-house 90 minutes, I think it could be connected to the real understanding that I am having of the dialogue. Of course it is connected!! (Dope slap to the forehead.) It’s all developing simultaneously, 50/50.
This is the reason why we were told time and time again that our own practice is just as important as teaching. You can’t have one without the other. Well, I suppose you can but without one, the other will suffer. The fact is, I have finally gotten back to a consistent practice. For a while, I was struggling with the balance of everything in life, and I was only taking class 3 – 5 times a week. But I am back to practicing almost daily. Can I say it again? Of course it’s ALL CONNECTED!!

So I just had the above revelation while writing, and at this point have no idea where I was going pre-dope-slap. (Crap!) For fear of not making any sense at all, I will sign off and catch some early zzz’s., so I can get up early for 6am class and keep this momentum going!! Good night!!

Manifest impeccable form

2009-09-07T13:32:00.002-04:00

Something is happening. And it is WONDERFUL.

The past week I have felt like someone new in my practice. I walk out of the room after my 90 minutes feeling a strength that I have felt very few times. And it’s not just physical strength I am feeling, but focus, determination and will-power. We talk about our yoga practice as a meditation, but how often do we actually clear our minds for the full 90 minutes? There is always something that trickles in. Did I pack my underwear? What time is that meeting? God, I can’t wait to get a coffee!! (The coffee one seems to hit me around Fixed Firm Pose every morning!) But lately, I get to final savasana, and suddenly “snap out of it”. Whoa. Class is done. And I rocked it.

There is a statement that has been running thru my head every time I step into the hot room. It is something that Craig Vilanni said during training. “Manifest impeccable form.” It has become my mantra. It has opened the door for me to constantly concentrate… meditate. I’m practicing presence. In the moment, in the posture, I am 100% invested. Is this what we call meditation? I challenge you to still your mind for 90 minutes and be completely present in that room. By manifesting impeccable form from start to finish throughout the postures, we have no other choice.

Hello World!! (It's been a while!)

2009-08-29T13:33:00.000-04:00

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been back from training for 2 months now. My hiatus from life seems like it was eons ago. I miss it a lot at times, but at the same time, I have so much of it with me that I’ve been able to harness. But the friends, the routine, the intensity… I do miss.

Teaching. WOW. I love it. It is such an awesome thing to be able to help people from the outside in, to watch the transformations of people right in front of me, to see a first-timer new student come back for more. I love being up on that podium and giving students all that I have. And I love watching myself begin to evolve as a teacher. From my first class, where I think my husband was going to have to slip me a valium so I could get through it, to the last class I taught on Friday morning, where I felt more connected to my students than I ever have, I’ve enjoyed every single experience. I am seeing more and more (sometimes too much, I think!), and I’m slowly but surely getting better at corrections, without losing the flow of class. There was a really cool point in class on Friday when I was saying the dialogue and thinking, “Hmm… something’s not right there, she’s got to get her upper body back. That’s odd, he’s got to sit down more”, and as I’m thinking it, I make the corrections (not just in my head). I found it amazing that I could be doing all these things all at once in a matter of seconds. I know I’ve sort of been doing it all along (perhaps??) but this was a bit of a revelation to me. And as I’m doing all of this, I’m also having a revelation!! I guess when they say that teaching is just like juggling, I now understand a little bit more. I seem to have added a couple more balls to my juggling routine!

Being back home is great, of course. I took a couple of weeks off before going back to work, which is the best thing I could have done for myself. I definitely needed that adjustment period to reconnect with Tim and my family and my home and just the regular things in life that I didn’t have in training. I was able to teach a bunch of classes in that time, which was wonderful, too. It kind of helped to get me over that little “oh shit I have to teach” hump. Getting back to work was a whole other adjustment. What? I have to sit at a desk? I have to dress up? I have to wear a BRA???? Oh no, I’m not liking this AT ALL! (Have I mentioned that one of the best parts of training for me was that I didn’t have to wear undergarments for 9 weeks?? ☺ ) After getting over the culture shock of being back at work, I slowly began getting back in my groove and back into the swing of things. It was hard for a good month though. I really just wanted to be teaching. I just spent 9 weeks learning this amazing new craft, and I just wanted to be doing it!! That was the hardest part. After some time, I had a little one-on-one talk with myself. I decided that I have to give my 100% at my job, like everything else that I do in life. Give it my all, and give it a chance. If after 6 months or a year, my heart is just not in it, well then I can at least say that I tried. I’d hate to have quit only to look back and wonder if I’d done the wrong thing.

So with that mentality, I’ve picked myself up and gotten right back into the swing of things. And I remembered that I do actually like my job! I like the people and the work, and yes, even the stress (although I don’t seem to get nearly as stressed as I used to!). I’ve noticed that I’ve become more organized, more efficient, and more assertive. Look, it’s that “better me” I talked about before embarking on my journey!

Right now, I’m working on finding balance in my life. I’m only teaching a couple of classes a week. I wish I could teach more, but having a full time job, keeping up with my own yoga practice consistently, softball, and spending time at home just doesn’t allow for much more than that. Perhaps when the cold weather hits I may add another class, but for now, I think that this is what I can do. Eventually, in the future… well, only time will tell what happens then.

How Sweet It Is

2009-07-08T17:27:00.002-04:00

I’ve been back at home for a little over a week, and it has taken me about that long to wrap my head around what just happened to me. It is kind of crazy being back home. I feel like I was just packing my suitcase in my guest bedroom and bawling my eyes out on the way to the airport. But alas, a mind-blowing, life-altering 9-weeks has occurred, and now I am back. Full speed ahead.

I’m trying to figure out how to wrap up my overall teacher training experience, and without further ado, I think a continuous stream-of-consciousness chronicle may ensue. First of all, I have to say, teacher training was the hardest and best thing I have ever experienced. What a profound thing, having 9 weeks to 100% focus on myself. I found a deeper sense of self in those 9 weeks. It’s funny, I realized about 3 weeks in that I was a lot different at training than I am at home. But maybe that was the start of this so-called transformation. At home, I’ve always been the ring-leader, surrounded by friends, and this outgoing life of the party. I didn’t know what to do with myself at training. I felt out of place the first couple of weeks, not knowing where I fit in. Not knowing who these people were that I was with, and not sure if I was really ready to let them in. I ended up being more of a loner. I most definitely made a few life-long friends along the way that I had some absolutely wonderful experiences with. But I enjoyed my time spent with a couple of friends at a time, if not by myself. I got to spend time taking things in at my own speed, with my own heart, without any distractions. I was introspective and spent a lot of time reflecting on life. It was such a valuable time for me to learn about me.

The hardest thing for me throughout training was, by far, coping with my irrational fear of public speaking. Every single day, I’d have anxiety about it. Will we have posture clinic today? Will I be able to breathe? Will I be able to control my shaky voice so that they can’t see how out of control my fear is? It was a constant monkey on my back. And what was hardest was I truly had no idea how to control it. One day, a few Pranayama Deep Breathing exercises would do it, but the next day I’d have sweat dripping down my back, blurry vision and a thumping heart. The fact that I got up there every day, even with my inner craziness, was a huge accomplishment for me. Not that I actually had a choice! I can’t say if I will ever be 100% confident getting up in front of people, but now that I have started teaching, I know I can do it. THAT is when the real accomplishment sunk in. (More on teaching later.)

In general, I feel like we had a really great class. Most of the people I met were just plain good folks. We had a strong group of yoga practicioners. No major drama happened in the hot room. In fact, from all the hype I heard prior to going to training, I don’t think that anyone ran out of the room puking. In the 97 classes that I took, I left the room once, and sat out postures in a total of 8 classes. In those eight classes, I sat out only one posture in four of them. I’m proud of myself for the way I practiced in the Big Top. I had very strong focus and determination to just do the damn yoga to the best of my ability. Even when I was surviving off of 3 hours of sleep from the night before, I told myself that the harder I worked, the better I was going to feel and the more energy I would gain. And when my poor, beat down body (you know the one that was possessed by the 84 year old man with bad knees) was begging for me to stop, I pushed through. I did what I could do on that day, to the very best of my ability.

Regarding the hot room, well, I think we were pretty lucky. For me, the conditions were completely bearable. In my central Massachusetts studio, we have to deal with HUMIDITY. The Big Top conditions in the desert were actually a lot easier for me than my home studio. The heat was dry. It was definitely HOT, don’t get me wrong. And with 350 human bodies generating heat, the humidity was decent. But I feel like we were very lucky, especially since I had heard such horror stories about the past training held in Alcupulco. Which brings me to my next topic… Sleep (or lack thereof).

I have a theory. Since our conditions in the yoga room were pretty good, and as a whole, we were all really strong in there, Bikram had to find a way to “break us down”. And so our class was the guinea pig on extreme lack of sleep. When Bikram was around (which I’d say was about 6 weeks), our average time out of lecture was about 3:15 am. We felt incredibly lucky to be out of the lecture hall at 2am, and cursed our watches other nights as we watched the minute hand tick, tick, tick… 3:30… 4:00… 5:00… 5:30… Oh, hello sunrise!! I never expected to be having high school flashbacks of drug-induced, all-nighters, walking out into the bright morning sun, AT YOGA CAMP!!! I may never understand the mentality behind this aspect of training. All I can say is that I was there, every night, for every lecture, every movie, and every episode of Maharbarhat. Then I was up every morning with a fairly happy, smiling face, ready to take on my day. One of the best pieces of advice I got from one of my teachers, Sunny, was to simply set my intention every day as a positive one. Instead of waking up with dread, knowing I only got 3 hours of sleep for the night, I’d wake up saying, “I got 3 solid hours of sleep last night! SWEET!” And you know what? It worked. The power of the mind is incredible. As Bikram told us time and time again, “Negative energy is 95% more powerful than positive energy.” With that intention set, I feel like I really was able to allow myself to have the best experience possible. Again, I’m not going to fool anyone on this, I did have my days where I was nodding off in the middle of lectures and wanted to just crawl to my room for a long final savasana. But the overwhelming majority of the time, I dealt with it, and dealt with it well.

Removing myself from everything in the world that I know was also a hard thing for me. I was insanely homesick for the first few weeks, and missed Tim more than I ever thought I would. What a wonderful thing that is though. I’d sit back sometimes and feel like I was the luckiest woman in the world. I think I didn’t know how lucky I was until I signed up for this 9 week extravaganza, and once I did, my whole world turned upside down. I remember driving to the airport with Tim and suddenly saying, “What the hell am I doing?” And now I know that it was 100% the right thing to do. Our marriage has grown even stronger, and the love I feel is brand new. The support Tim gave me throughout training was impeccable. Somehow, he knew what I needed and when I needed it. And he knew when I just didn’t have the juice to communicate, and just say good night. I don’t think I quite explain it, but it was astoundingly powerful.

I learned so much about myself. I found how strong I am. I found how happy I am. I found a power within myself that I never knew I had. It is so hard to explain the way I feel. It’s kind of just an inner peace. I am present every moment, and feeling more than I have ever felt before. It is a knowledge that I have deep within me that no one can take away from me. It’s not something I can’t write about or talk about, it just is.

And how sweet it is.

(Oh yeah, chopped off 11 inches of my hair when I got home, too!)

Week 9 – And… CUT.

2009-06-29T11:00:00.005-04:00

We were originally told that the final week of this journey was sort of a “party week”. All the hard work (dialogue and studying) was over, and this week we’d just coast thru. Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say it was one of our hardest weeks, if not the hardest. At this point, it all seems like a big blur of classes, lectures, postures, Bikram, late nights and the Mahabarhat. I don’t think I could tell you what happened all week, and in what order. I just know that we had a slew of very, very late nights, with absolutely no reprieve. I think it really affected everyone, since we had such high expectations for the week. We all thought that we’d have some free time to spend with each other. But the free time we did have (at least for me) consisted of 20 minute naps and trying to snap out of the funk of sleep deprivation.

Throughout the week, we ended up going thru each of the postures in the series with Bikram, where he dissected what we might see with beginners, what the benefits are, and how we can personally improve. Unfortunately, by the time we got to the Cobra series, I could simply no longer process any information. I feel a little bit jipped by the week, I have to be honest. Actually, at the time, I was ok with everything. I knew that it was almost over, and quite frankly, I could handle anything they were going to throw at me. Walking out of the lecture hall at 5:30 in the morning, with the sun coming up was not going to steal my peace. But the more I think about the week in general, the more I feel like I was robbed of some good knowledge. I am trusting that there are reasons for the week ending the way it did, and maybe it will be clear to me eventually, in the future. But right now, not so much.

I don’t want to end this on a sour note whatsoever. I mean come on! It was WEEK NINE! This was it! The grand finale. Spirits were up throughout the days, and there was such a buzz of energy between all 320 of us. We could taste the bitter-sweet end to this long journey of self. I felt excited and anxious and happy and sad to know that this chapter in my life was coming to an end. Excited to get HOME. Be home. See my amazing husband. Be in my living room. Anxious to get back to reality. Anxious to see how much I may have changed, while everything at home has stayed the same. Happy to get back to my studio and TEACH. Happy to wrap my arms around Tim, see my family and friends, and to spend a couple of weeks digesting what I’ve just been through. And sad to know that I am never going to be with my fellow trainees (now teachers!) again. I am going to miss the wonderful friends that I have made. But am so thrilled to have made them. What an amazing thing to know that I now can travel anywhere in the world and have a home to go to. It is quite settling to know that I will be welcomed with open arms into people’s homes and hearts. This Bikram family is such an amazing community of people and I feel so blessed to be a part of it.

I am currently about 40 minutes from landing in Boston. I will be home. I feel like I was just packing and crying and saying the hardest good bye of my life. I realize now that I was saying hello to this new life. I don’t know exactly what it will bring. I just feel like I can now do anything.

I can do anything.

And I’ll do it with a smiling, happy face.

Week 8 (Can you believe??)

2009-06-22T14:33:00.003-04:00

What an amazing week it was. I started off a little rocky. Monday night’s Posture Clinic, I had to teach Half Tortois Pose. First of all, this is a fairly short, relaxing, easy pose, where you don’t necessarily have to bring a TON of energy. There is nothing complicated about how it is delivered to the students, and I felt very comfortable with the dialogue. But I got up in front of my group during posture clinic, and suddenly I felt like I was back on stage on week 2 with Bikram. My heart started thumping thru my chest, my knees were sweating, my back was dripping, my chest and face were blotchy and my voice was trembling. I made it thru the dialog without a problem, but knew without a doubt that the nerves were so close to the surface that everyone could feel them, see them, and hear them. One of our staff members, Ester, was leading the clinic, and I’m not even sure what she began telling me, but I began crying. Yes, me – can you believe??!? I became the first person in our group to have a crying meltdown during posture clinic. I felt as if I took 15 steps backwards in my progression… like everything I had been working at for the last 7 weeks was stripped away from me, and as if I may never be able to control this fear of mine.

I was so happy to have Ester there, because back in the beginning of this process, she mentioned that she had a fear of public speaking. So she was able to relate to me and to give me EXACTLY the encouragement that I needed. She related some of her stories with me, and helped me to believe that it wasn’t some regression that I was sinking into. Everyone has their days, and maybe this was one of mine. And the next day, I came back stronger and in more control, more confidence, and more ease than I have ever had. I can’t say that I know if that night was the supposed “breakthrough” that they talk about people having. But I do know that I went up the next afternoon knowing that I could not let that feeling come back. There was no way. It was almost a “F*&% THIS” feeling. I’m not here to stress myself out. I’m here to teach yoga. I’m here to help people. I’m here to learn how to have the beginnings of a good teacher. And suddenly things just clicked. And for the rest of the week, my postures weren’t the stress-factory that I created for myself. I think I may have actually started teaching.

The week went on with little sleep, even less free time, and lots of aches and pains. My body is no longer mine. I don’t know whose it is. Perhaps some 78 year old man with bad knees has taken over my body. In the morning classes, I morn the postures that I once was able to do. I morn the loss of my knees, my back and my hamstrings. I miss my poor, sorry Triangle, and just pray that while I am in it the teacher won’t call me out because of how pathetic it looks.

Ok, so maybe I am exaggerating a little. (But only a little!) I am looking forward to getting back to a normal yoga practice, where my body can have some time to recover from this intensity. Granted, I can’t quite knock my evening classes as dramatically as the mornings. I do have some positive things that I can talk about with my postures. I no longer have a super-wobbly ankle in the one-legged balancing series. And my Standing Head to Knee is SOLID. My strength has definitely improved, whereas my flexibility has dwindled. I supposed that is what happens though.

We finished our last posture, Spine Twist on Thursday. What a feeling! It was a combination of relief, elation, accomplishment, and even sadness. We’ve all worked so hard in these posture clinics to be the best that we can be, and the finality of them being over was something else. We no longer have to spend all of our free time studying and talking to ourselves and stressing. It was as if a huge chapter in this training came to an abrupt close. It means the road is going to come to an end very soon. It means that I am going to go out there and teach this yoga to people who need it. It means I am going to have the power to change lives, just like mine was changed. The anxiety and feelings of “Will I be good enough?” “How is this 90 minute class going to flow out of my mouth?” And “Will I be the teacher I know I want to be?” are all arising in my heart. Deep down, yes, I know it will all happen in time. And I know that the moment I step onto that podium, the person who I have become here in these 9 weeks is going to unfold. And there I will be. ME. There for you. There to give everything back that was given to me.

One of the visiting teachers this week said something that struck me so profoundly. She said, “Think of all of the thousands of things that had to have happened to make all of us 322 people be here in this training.” I realized that it is so much deeper than just finding the money and the time to physically get here. What is the thing that made each of us walk into our yoga studios for the very first time, however many years ago? What are the obstacles that we went thru to get here? Who are the supporters that had to be behind each of us, and what was it in them that they saw in us? All I know is my own experience. I know that there are at least a dozen particular things that all happened in my life to be able to lead me to this Spring 2009 Teacher Training. I’m so thankful for the hurdles I had to go thru, because I wouldn’t want to be here any time other than now, and other than with the particular teachers-to-be.

Week 7 baby!

2009-06-14T14:03:00.003-04:00

I can’t believe that week 7 is over. Yet another week flew by. It was nice this week that we got to vary things up. I think we are all getting a little bit tired of Posture Clinic, so it was great to have some good lectures and guest speakers this week. Bikram wasn’t around this week either, which means we were done with the day by midnight every day, enjoying a steady flow of about 6-1/2 to 7 hours of sleep a night.

Rajashree lectured about yoga therapy one day, and went thru each of the postures another. We had Dr. Choudhury give us an overview about women’s health issues (which the men absolutely loved). And we were graced with a Friday afternoon lecture by AnnMarie Benstrom. She was awesome, an 82 year old woman with oodles of energy, charisma, and humor. We learned about the Chakras, along with a bunch of other things that I may or may not believe, but I’m happy to be exposed to. To say the least, she was very entertaining, and full of life, so it was definitely a big highlight to hear what she had to say.

My yoga practice started off outstanding this week, then with no warning, my knee and IT band started acting up. I was so bummed out Wednesday morning. It wasn’t a gradual ache that seeped in. I went down in the 2nd part of Awkward and literally yelped out. I had to baby it for a good portion of class because there are a lot of postures that it really hurt in. I wish I knew where these pains came from. Knowing that everything in my body is connected, it could be anything. My afternoon classes have been a little less painful, but still not 100%. I got into class early on Saturday morning, and really just stretched and bent my knee for a good 20 minutes, which helped me out a lot. I also plunked myself in the front row, which also helps to keep me focused and honest. So all in all, it felt better. The pain was still there, but taking that extra time in the morning was probably a smart thing for me to do. And now, I’m blessed with a full day off, so I’m hoping to be back up to par Monday morning!

Posture Clinics have been good. I’ve had a couple of brain freezes, but have been able to recover fairly quickly from them. I just finished up Fixed Firm, which means we only have 5 postures left!! We’ll likely finish them up this upcoming week, and then the hard work is over!! We’ve been told that Week 9 is kind of the “party week”, and that once week 8 is over, we are pretty much done. It is hard to believe that we are wrapping up. I am looking forward to getting home and teaching as many classes as I can before going back to work. I want to get in my studio and see what comes out of me!! I’m definitely nervous about the left sides, because we only practice teaching one side here, but hopefully it won’t be too hard for me. I don’t know what time I am teaching on Tuesday when I get back, but I talked to the studio owner and am down! I cannot wait!!!

So as this week comes to a close, and the last “real week” begins, I’m going to take in every moment as best as I can, because it is going to be over soon. Bikram will be back this week, which I am really excited for. Looking at our curriculum, we still have a lot to cover, so I’m sure we’ll get lots of face time with the boss. For now, time for me to hit the books for the day and get myself ready for week 8! WOW!

Week 6

2009-06-07T12:33:00.005-04:00

(Unofficial Photo for week 6 - Sorry folks!!)

The week started out with a bit of a THUD. Tim left right before Monday morning class, which obviously had me a little bit weepy. And class that morning sucked major ass for me. The room was hotter than I’ve ever experienced and it totally kicked my ass. For the first time, I actually had to leave the room. It was a huge disappointment for me, that I let my mind take over, but at the time, I had no choice. I was overwhelmed with emotion and heat and just had to GET OUT. But the week only went up from there. And it actually was a good one.

There were a lot of little unexpected great moments throughout the week, looking back on it. The visiting teachers hosted a little pizza party for us on Tuesday night after class. We all kind of just figured that we’d get some free pizza and get to socialize a little, but it turned into this amazing dance party, where everyone just got up and busted out dancing to some Justin Timberlake, Michael Jackson, and oh yes… Lionel Richie. A conga line was formed, and we were all in really great, high spirits. We all seemed to have a lot of pent up energy, whether it was good or bad, and sort of got it all out there. It was so fun to see and to be a part of.

Rajashree was back this week, too, which is always a treat. She only taught one class, but she is back all next week, so hopefully we’ll get to have her in the hot room a few more times. The classes this week have been really great. I’ve had some of my best classes simultaneously while I’ve been here. I feel like I am starting to have my body back. I felt more in tuned with myself and focused and stronger than I’ve felt all thru training. Last week and the beginning of this week, I was really feeling like my practice was at a steady decline. I couldn’t hold postures, I was getting really fatigued, and I was actually doing a lot of comparison to those around me. It kind of sucked. However, I’ve kicked it into high gear and feel like these next three weeks are really going to catapult me into a new realm in my practice.

This week was all about posture clinic. I think we may have done about 22 hours of posture clinic, because supposedly we have fallen behind schedule. (No fault of our own, we just had a lot of lectures early on.) So in order to get back on track, we had to kick it up. It’s been really fun… I think I’m getting into a good grove. Little by little, I’m feeling more and more comfortable up in front of people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still nervous and have my fluttery heart, but I’ve learned how to take better control of it. And guess what? It is all about BREATHING. Hey, go figure! That is exactly the feedback that those damn teachers had been telling me!! Who would have thought??

My group was on the stage on Friday, which I had been dreading. But Friday came along, and actually felt excited about it. I got to do two postures on the stage on Friday, and feel really, really good about them. I did Wind Removing Pose (which isn’t the most high-energy or exciting posture) and Cobra Pose. I absolutely love doing this! A cool thing started happening while I was practicing with actual people, too…. It got easier. I think things are starting to click. I don’t necessarily think I am ready to start giving corrections or anything, but I’m definitely starting to see what needs to be fixed with students. I know this, because while practicing Cobra, one of my demonstrators had their feet apart, and it sort of threw me for a loop. That is going to be a whole new challenge. I look forward to it!

Week 6 is done. It is totally surreal. I’m slowly starting to understand why people have been saying we are going to miss this when it is over. As much as I look forward to getting back home, being back in my house, seeing my husband on a daily basis, and reconnecting with my family and friends, I know that this time right now will never be relived. This experience, with these 320 people, in this exact moment of time and space will never happen again. I’m taking it in a little more now than I was before. I don’t know why that is. Probably because we are in the downward slope, and the end of this journey is starting to come into my sights. But for now, I’m gonna keep looking right here, right now.

(After last class of Week 6! Fellow Group 3-ers, Ashley, Reawin, and Tom)

(Group 3 dinner Saturday night, Phil, Ashley, me and Joe)

(Me and Reawin in Posture Clinic)

(Locust Pose - My knees should be a bit more locked, I think?)

(My backbend. Well, I really thought I was back further than that!!)
Just plain funny...

Week 5 Still Alive!

2009-06-03T23:37:00.001-04:00

We hit the halfway mark this week. After Wednesday’s morning class, Natasha and I busted out Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer”, belting out “Ohhhhh, we’re halfway there…” as loud as possible in our room. It got out some much needed energy.

Last week is a little bit of a blur for me, due to the fact that I came down with a pretty nasty bug. I was ok on Monday and Tuesday, ready to take on the week with some gusto. But I began to feel the scratch in my throat on Wednesday. Then Wednesday night, we were up watching the Mahabarhat until 3:30 in the morning, where I couldn’t breathe, could stop blowing my nose, and generally felt fevery. Getting only 4 hours of sleep certainly does not initiate our immune systems.

Emmy was back this week. I think our group has improved quite a bit since she was here on week 2, because she didn’t give us quite a hard a time about our postures as before. That is awesome to see. We did get some good hands-on time with her during lecture, where people could go on stage with particular postures that they had questions about, and she would give them steps for correcting them. It is great to see this, because you learn a lot about all of the different bodies and ailments out there and how to cope with them as a teacher.

I can’t say I have much to talk about for this week. The sickness that overcame me, unfortunately put me in a crappy place. Feeling like shit and being forced to practice yoga two times a day is just not fun. It’s the first time that I really wanted to get the hell out of this whole situation. I wanted to sleep and be on my couch and eat chicken soup with tissues up my nose. I desperately tried to not let it overcome me, and I guess I really only let it on one day. But with practicing twice a day, I guess it actually helped to sweat out whatever bug was in my system pretty quickly… and I was on the upward swing by Friday.

Oh… and Friday (as if I would forget), Tim came to visit me!! It was absolutely amazing to see him. I got the biggest, bestest hug of all time. He came to class with me on Saturday morning, which I am so happy about. He got to feel what it was like to be in that room with 350 people. It was a really intense class for a Saturday… the heat was cranking and a lot of people struggled. When it was over, I was just so full of emotion with having Tim there, and so happy to be able to have some time with him. We had a great weekend just being together. It was exactly the boost that I needed to get me through the rest of this training. I feel completely revived, and ready to take on these next 4 weeks. It’s going to fly!!

I’m a little late getting this posted, and already halfway thru week 6, so I’m cutting this one short… more to come next week!

Week 4

2009-05-25T23:13:00.003-04:00

Bikram was back this week! That man brings so much energy to us. It is really great to have him back. He can pull so much out of me, both mentally and physically. Granted, with Bikram back, that means sleep is at a minimum. Let’s see, Tuesday night we were up until 3:30am, Wednesday night – 4:30am, and Thursday night up until 2:00am (which we all thought was a treat!!). But somehow 12 hours of sleep in 3 days actually wasn’t so bad for me. I am able to squeeze in a few 30 minute catnaps between classes, which seem to keep me going for the rest of the day and night. It’s amazing that how yoga gives you energy. I’ve heard it time and time again for the last 4 years, but I am seeing it clearly now. The fact that I am able to survive and function with so little sleep is all due to the yoga. In the mornings, I drag my ass to class, still half asleep. I am rejuvenated and wide awake after class, and ready to take on the challenges of the day.

I can really start to see physical changes in my body this week. So cool! Two of the visiting teachers from my home studio said they didn’t recognize me from the back because my bootie shrunk. (But no worries, I am still bootie-licious!) My postures are getting stronger, too. Well, mostly in the evening classes. I have a very hard time with the morning classes. My body is SO stiff and I can’t really get into anything. But when the 5:00 class rolls around, watch out!! I’ve had 2 of my best classes this week. Thursday nights class, Bikram taught, and I was feeling kind of tired. I ended up being a few rows back from front, and right in the middle, which meant clear visibility of me for the Boss. I took so much energy from him, and totally rocked that class. I felt so open and proud after class, and had to have myself a little cry. It was all good.

Friday night, a visiting teacher from Texas, Lisa, taught class. It was absolutely AMAZING. She may just be my new favorite person in the world. She had this insane energy about her, and exuded such a love for the practice and for teaching. After class ended, she busted out some dancing music and the whole class was on their feet busting a move. It was really fun. After the week of sleeplessness, I think that was just what everyone needed. When I get out of this training, if I can give my students half of the energy that she gave us, I will consider myself successful.

I feel so incredibly lucky to be here. This experience is absolutely like none other. I am learning so much from all of the visiting teachers. They are all so open to sharing their knowledge and their own personal experiences. When someone is down, they always seem to know how to pick them back up, whether it is just a comforting touch to the hand, or sharing their own stories. It is the best feeling to know that right now, I am being taught by the best teachers. The Bikram classes are unbelieveable. I’m learning about the different styles and approaches that each individual teacher has, and figuring out which pieces of them that I want to take with me. Listening over and over and over again to the dialogue, day after day after day, slowly but surely is making me a firm believer that YES… I’m going to be ok once I get into my own classroom. The words are actually going to come out of my mouth. And damnit, they just might come out with some hefty conviction, love, energy, and strength. Watch out!!

Me, Leah (Canada), and Julie (Boston)

Natasha and I right before our last class of week 4!

The walk back from evening class.

Eating Habits

2009-05-22T23:01:00.003-04:00

It is odd, but this week my eating habits have totally changed. After class, both morning and evening, the last thing I want to do is eat. I end up eating a good lunch, because I know that I need it to sustain me for the rest of the day. But when it comes to dinner, there is nothing that I want to eat lately. I've been living off of tuna and chicken cold cut sandwiches, more or less. Once a week, Natasha and I do up some rice, veggies and shrimp in the rice cooker... but it is getting rather monotonous and BORING. And it seems that I am just not hungry as much any more. I just want to pick at food, but nothing is really doing it for me.

So one night, Natasha gets out of the shower, and sees me at out little desk/table with EVERY POSSIBLE bit of food spread out in front of me. Let's review...

Green beans
Corn chips
Salsa
Artichoke dip/spread
Pita chips
Hummus
Cheese
Chicken Cold cuts
Peanuts
Cookies

Yes.... that's right. :)

Week 3 - It was a goodie!

2009-05-17T21:10:00.003-04:00

I’m 1/3 of the way done with training! I can’t believe it. So far, this was my best week. I felt good, I was rested, and I was positive all week (a la, no emotional breakdown, hooray!). We began Anatomy this week, with Dr. T, which I thought was going to be really boring, but ended up being extremely interesting. The actual anatomy part of it isn’t necessarily the most interesting part, but Dr. T would take breaks from anatomy and lecture about nutrition, organic foods, natural medicines and general health. He has a huge wealth of knowledge and I feel like I am going to be a much healthier and more aware consumer of food back in “the real world”. I’m looking forward to reviewing my notes and passing along some good info to my family and friends.

And we broke up into smaller groups this week to begin our posture clinics. This is where we go thru each posture, and have demonstrators who perform the posture while you teach them. There are senior teachers there to give you feedback and “homework” for the next day’s posture. On Monday, I did Backward Bending and Hands to Feet Pose… I did a pretty good job, even though my heart was thumping thru my chest. I certainly haven’t gotten over my nerves with speaking in front of people! But I had good energy in my voice, and had the dialog down perfectly. Apparently when I get excited I do a little dance with my butt though. So I was told to use that energy in my voice rather than my body, and to try to stay still.

The next day, I did Awkward Posture, which is a really long, 3-part pose. I was really proud of myself, because I was less nervous and shaky, and definitely felt more confident. I took the previous feedback and stood there and just delivered. I felt really good about it. But this time, they said I need to meet somewhere in the middle of both. And on Friday I did Eagle Posture and brought good personality, but totally brain-farted at the start of the pose! My brain just shut off! I beat myself up a little bit about it and was kind of pissed and disappointed with myself, because I KNOW this posture in and out.. it’s actually a really easy, short one. But I’m over it and have moved on. ☺

My nerves are still killing me, and I’m looking forward to the supposed time when it all “clicks” and I no longer have anxiety about getting up in front of people. I have a hard time imagining that happening, but they tell me it will. Until then, I am trying my best to use that nervousness and channel it into excitement. Not easy, but I’m trying!

One of the visiting teachers, Martha, who owns a studio in Minnesota taught class on Thursday night. It was an amazing class… by far the most memorable experience I have had so far. She teaches a really great class – very energetic, and has great messages about setting your intentions positively and about the power of our own inner strength. So we get to the floor postures, where we get a 20 second break in between postures. She starts singing some obscure songs that were really lovely to hear. Then we get to the set up of Full Locust pose. This is the one, where your arms are spread out on the floor, then you LIFT your whole body up off the floor, so only your hips are touching the floor. The hot room is fairly tight quarters, so in this pose, you undoubtably end up touching your neighbor. Martha starts singing Neil Diamond’s song “Sweet Caroline”… where it says “touching me… touching you…” Then suddenly the ENTIRE CLASSROOM, lifts up into the posture and belts out “SWEET CAROLINE… BAH, BAH, BAH… GOOD TIMES NEVER FELT SO GOOD…” To feel the energy that came from 340 people experiencing this one moment that will never be repeated was such an intense thing. After we all released from the posture, the whole room was banging on the floor and clapping and laughing and crying all at the same time. Martha was laughing and crying and took it all in with us. It was absolutely beautiful. For as long as I can remember, that song has reminded me of the Red Sox and being at Fenway, but now, that moment will undoubtably be replayed in my brain whenever I hear it.

It was amazing. I will leave it at that. Hope you’re smiling!

(Saturday relaxation by the pool)

(Sonny and Linda visiting from my home studio!)

(Natasha and I - Half-Mooning)

(Pre-lecture pic)

About my days...

2009-05-11T00:13:00.003-04:00

For those of you who I haven't spoken to that are wondering exactly what my days are like here in the desert, well they are jam-packed. Once Monday starts, it is a whirlwind. Monday morning... up and adam at about 7:00am so I can eat a little something, shake the cobwebs out of my head, then head to yoga class, where you have to check in at about 8:00. Class begins at 8:30. And this isn't some 90 minute class that we get back at home. They are about 2 hours. Once that is over, we trek back to our room, which unfortunately is the farthest it could possibly be from the Big Top, it takes about 7-8 minutes to get there. We're usually back around 10:30 - 10:45. Quick shower, clothes wash, and get dressed.. then get down to eat lunch by 11:30. Cram some grub down my throat, then back to the lecture room, where lecture starts at 12:30. This then goes to about 4:00...

Trek BACK to our room to change into yoga-gear, grab our mats and refill our water... then BACK to the Big Top where we have to check at about 4:30 for 5:00 class. Again, class goes about 2 hours and we get back to our room at about 7:00. Shower, clothes wash, change... fix something up for dinner quickly and eat again. Depending on what we fix ourselves, we actually may get a few minutes to relax. But only a few!! Then it is back to the lecture room for 8:30. Lectures have been going about 2-3 hours. And depending on Bikram, we may get movie night, which has gone anywhere from 2:00am - 3:30am. Not always, but right now, I'd say it is half and half. Back to the room for a few hours of sleep. Then lather, rinse, repeat!!

Needless to say, the weeks FLY BY. I'm looking forward to this week, where we are going to be getting into Anatomy and breaking up into our smaller groups for posture clinics, where we are really going to begin getting down and dirty!!

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!!! Love you and miss you!

Week 2 down!

2009-05-09T17:58:00.002-04:00

It’s Friday night and we officially have finished our 10th class of the week. Ahhh.. and we got the night off! Yippie! Just one more class tomorrow morning and a couple of hours of CPR certification and week 2 will be OVER.

Emmy Cleaves, who has been practicing with Bikram for 35 years (I think), taught our first class Monday morning. I’m not positive how old she is, but the rumor is she’s upwards of 80+?? She’s in amazing health, and moves like a 30 year old. She definitely teaches a tough class. She is hard on us, but for very good reasons. She focuses on alignment of the body and doing the postures perfectly, 100% the right way. She has SO much knowledge of the postures and their benefits. I wish I had a notebook in class so I could’ve jotted some things down. And unfortunately (or well, maybe fortunately!), her classes all kicked my ass, and by the time I got out I could hardly speak.

The heat is definitely starting to crank, which is nice but challenging at the same time. I’m getting deeper into my postures, and struggling with the mind game that the heat plays on me. Actually, the heat isn’t what is killing me right now. My quad muscles are insanely fatigued. They are pretty strong thru the first half of the class. My balancing series postures have been pretty solid (although I haven’t really been able to hold standing Bow for too long). But by the time I get on the floor – particularly in floor bow, they don’t really want to do it. I’ve been pushing thru it and going on, but man, do they hurt!! I’m looking forward to resting them tomorrow afternoon and Sunday. They need a break.

It’s funny, at home, I usually take the 6am class. Obviously, I’m always more stiff in those classes, but I’ve always loved morning classes. Here it is a whole other story. My body in the morning classes here say, “What the fuck you doing?? I don’t think so!” It’s not that hard for me to listen to my body in those classes, because quite frankly, I don’t have a choice. My afternoon classes are where I can really get into my body, and where I really feel things changing.

Practicing in the newly dubbed “Haunted House” is giving me a real sense of my body in the postures. I haven’t been able to see myself in the mirror yet. I’m kind of happy about that because I’m learning to feel the alignment and focus more on myself and concentrate within. I look forward to the day I get up closer… I think it is going to be cool to see how far I have come once I get up there.

Oh yes, I’m on track to having one emotional day a week, or so it seems. They’ve been telling us that around week 4 or 5 that emotions would probably start flaring – but not me! Week 1, week 2… no problem finding the emotions for me!! Tim’s birthday was on Tuesday, and I just wanted to be with him and give him a birthday hug and kiss in person. Then the next day, I had my worst class so far… lots of muscle cramps, the heat was killer, and I just felt beat down. Talking to Tim quickly before the next afternoon class just got me really homesick and emotional again. Like I said, I just really felt beat up and drained, and it all came to head. Then somehow, with Bikram teaching, he pulled something out of me. I snapped out of my state of mind, had a pretty good class and was in great spirits for the rest of the night. We ended up finishing Half Moon at the PM lecture, got to sing happy birthday to Bikram’s mom, and had a little bit of entertainment from a fellow trainee to close the night. I’m seeing a pattern of the lows quickly being followed by some big, big highs.

I’ve been thinking about these emotional outbreaks I’ve been having and wondering where they are coming from. I have some thoughts on it… but I’m not quite sure I can express it. I have never really been alone in my life. I lived at home through most of college, always had steady boyfriends, then moved in with Tim before ever really being “on my own”. I do not regret any of this in any way whatsoever, don’t get me wrong. But right now… this is all about me. This is such an intense experience for me and for me only. I really can’t describe the experience properly for anyone to understand, so even trying to relate what I am going thru to Tim is hard. I guess it is a good thing, because I just have to deal with it on my own, and I am learning how to do it on my own, totally independent. And I suppose it is building me up to be more me than I ever have been before. Maybe it will be clearer in the end, but for now, that’s all I’ve got on it.

more to come later... I think I've found a way to get better (cheaper) internet access - woo hoo!

(me, Natasha, and Melissa - pre-class)

(Shannon (fellow Bostonian), me and Natasha)

(Natasha and I after the final class of Week 2... woo hoo!)

Week 1... a few more pics

2009-05-03T13:07:00.003-04:00

Thanks to everyone for all of the emails and notes and good wishes on my journey. They mean so much to me. Please keep them coming!! I only am going to have internet access from Saturday noon - Sunday noon, so I'll be checking in then. Here are a few more pics from week #1!

Natasha and I on our first night (pre-sleep deprivation!)
The Big Top!
Nice and sweaty after Friday night's class!

Lots of love,
Danielle

I'm here. Week 1

2009-05-02T20:21:00.003-04:00

Well, I’m here. I made it. And one week is down. Unbelieveable.

The week leading up to my departure was a hard one. I love everything about my home and my life, so the fact that I was leaving it was really hard. Leaving Tim was the hardest. Yikes. But now that I am here and getting into the routine of things, it is definitely a lot easier. The people here are amazing. It is so cool to be with such a large group of like-minded people. It is crazy that you can have so much love and support for perfect strangers.

So Week 1… I don’t know how to explain it. When people told me to would be roller-coaster ride, I’m not so sure I believed it. The way my body feels day to day, and even morning to night is sometimes just that – Day and Night. I have been having some killer, strong classes, and others where I just don’t quite know if my muscles will hold me. I can’t imagine how my body will feel in the upcoming weeks. I already feel it changing. I feel so much strength in me that I’m not sure I knew I had.

Walking into the lecture room and seeing the big hot room was an experience in and of itself. The hot room is HUGE. They say it can hold up to 700 people, which I’m not quite so sure of. We have 322 people in our training, which is the most they have had to date. And with all of those people, plus the staff practicing, the room is a rather comfortable size and we have a comfortable amount of space. Meeting Bikram for the first time was incredible. He is a whirlwind of energy, knowledge and inspiration. Oh yes, and he is funny as hell.

The first couple of days were fairly mellow. Orientation on Sunday, meeting the staff, etc. Then Monday we didn’t have a morning class, but in the afternoon we met Bikram and got to take our first class with him. Class was good. There was such an amazing energy in the room. We were all so excited to get in there and start working!

Oddly enough, I already feel like the days are meshing together. I’m not quite sure what happened on what day… I do know that we have already had a couple long-ass nights watching Hindi movies with Bikram. Yup.. 2:00am one night, 3:30am the next. Then check in for class at 8:00 the next morning – woo hoo! But I’m trying to keep the “it is what it is” attitude and just roll with it. Getting upset about it isn’t going to help anyone. And I really don’t have a choice in the matter anyways!

Friday was very interesting for me, to say the least. This was right after the really late night. We got up for class and were almost late. I hate scrambling, so I was all thrown off to start. Rajashree (Bikram’s wife) was there to teach the class. She is so motherly and compassionate… and I’m not sure what happened to me, but to start the class, before we even started, tears just started falling uncontrollably down my face. She was saying that emotional things are going to start to come up, but I really didn’t think I was there yet. It was an intense class. As soon as I thought I had the tears under control, they would start back up. I still don’t know why they were there. I tried fighting them for a while, until Rajashree said, “Just let it happen. Holding it back is only going to hurt you.” So I did. All thru the floor series, I just let it happen. I was going thru the movements of the postures, which would give me a few seconds of reprieve, but they just kept coming. I got lots of hugs afterwards. The support here is unconditional.

Little side story… after my emotion-fest, Natasha and I were walking back to our room, and I am still pretty weepy. Natasha takes a HUGE digger in a big dirty puddle right on her ass. I start laughing, until I realize that she is actually crying. No worries – she is ok, but that was what it took for me to snap out of my sobbing. (Thank you, Natasha!)

Then we have posture clinic, where for the past week everyone has been getting on stage in front of Bikram to teach half-moon pose. Natasha and I finally decide to get in line and DO IT! I’m slightly petrified to get in front of people, so I was definitely nervous. I know the posture so well, I just had this fear that I would get up there and forget my name. But I got up there, and nailed it! I got a little shaky in the voice, toward the end of my sentences, but was able to take a deep breath and keep going. My energy was good, I felt good, and I actually did it! Bikram said “No comment. Is perfect.” And that was one of the best feelings ever.

So I went from this emotional low in the morning, to being ON TOP OF THE WORLD in the evening. My evening class with Bikram kicked some serious butt. I felt like a rockstar. So when I say that people talk about this “emotional roller coaster”, I now know what it means. I’ll just ride it when I have to, knowing that it will pass.

All in all, the first week has actually been very humbling to me. For the past couple of years in my yoga practice, I have felt as if I was “top of the class”. And here, there are so many people that are so much more flexible and strong and, quite frankly, just amazing. I’m not comparing myself to others really, it’s just something I noticed and have accepted. I guess that this is just another reason why this training is here for us… to help us see our own potential. I’m learning tons about myself, about being a better person, and about living happily. I can’t wait to see thru these eyes 8 weeks from now. I think the world is going to be a different place.

Lots of love… I miss everyone.

Here we go!!

2009-04-25T17:21:00.005-04:00

It's here. The packing is done (well just about). The good-byes have been said. The time has come.

It has been a fairly emotional week for me. Wrapping up everything at work, then finally saying good-bye to everyone was quite the surreal feeling. Walking out the door knowing I won't be back until July was invigorating and scary at the same time. Coming home to my husband Tim, knowing that it is the last couple of days that we have together for some time, just made the hugs so much sweeter.

I went to my first teacher, Linda's class on Friday. She has been mentoring me and supporting me for the past couple of months. Class ended and she said a few words about me going to training... and it just felt right.

(me and Linda after Friday's class) Then this morning, I went to my last class at my studio for 9 weeks. What a feeling!! It was absolutely amazing. My husband came with me, which made it even more special. He's only been to class 3 other times (we say he goes once a year...). but this was his fourth bikram class... 2nd time this year :) and he did awesome. Stayed in the room, did practically every posture, and gave me a big high-five and a kiss when we were done. My brother, sister and one of my best friends were there, too. I felt so supported by the people closest to me. I got some presents from some fellow yogis and lots of hugs and good wishes on my way out. This is real. I am off... what a feeling...

(Me and Tim.. sweaty and smilin' after my last class before training!)

(My brother Mike and I at our recooperation wall.)

(Mike, Michele, Jocelyn (my sister), me and Tim)

(me and Ryan, who taught my last class in Auburn before my departure!)

Time flies!!

2009-04-20T20:01:00.004-04:00

WOW!!! Time sure flies when you're having fun!!! Well, I can't necessarily say it has been ALL fun. The past 4 weeks at work have been absolutely crazy. I have been so drained after work that the last thing I've wanted to do is hit the books. The glass of wine has been oh-so much more appealing! But besides the craziness at work, life has been great. Two weekends ago we had a open house so that my friends and fam could come and visit with me and say their good byes. I truly felt loved and could not believe everyone who showed up to wish me well on my journey. It was an absolute blast.

The week went along after the party, and then suddenly Friday happened. My emotions went thru the roof! Just thinking that this past weekend was my last weekend home with my husband really hit home. I started packing on Saturday and stood their amidst all my crap and just started bawling. I can't help but think that I just might end up being "that girl" in training... you know, the one who is an emotional wreck! :) I don't know. Maybe not. I hope that once I am there and into the swing of things, I can just let all of this emotional stuff go. It's just hard right now knowing I won't fall asleep with Tim every night.

So have I mentioned that I am leaving in 6 days? Yah... 6 freaking days!! This thing that was so far away such a short time ago is now right around the corner. My excitement that I felt a couple of weeks ago has definitely warped into nervousness and anxiety. I'm a little bit upset with myself for slacking on my studying for the past couple of weeks, which makes me even more anxious. But I keep telling myself that when I am there at training, this is ALL I WILL BE DOING. And you know what? I AM really excited about that.

My brain is going in about 20 different directions right now, so I'm cutting this short, even though it has been a while. There are lists to make and check boxes to check!! Have I said.... 6 DAYS!?!?!

Love at first SWEAT...

2009-03-31T21:57:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow it is April. I am in the home stretch. I still can’t believe this dream of mine is about to become a reality. To think that it all started with one 90 minute yoga class….

I think back to my first Bikram Yoga class, and the fact that it is as clear as it was yesterday is a pretty powerful thing. I brought one of my friends that I worked with, Laura, to the studio. We walked in together, and the first person I see is the instructor, Linda. The woman had the strongest, tightest body I had ever seen in my life, and in my head, I thought, “OK… if this is going to make me look like THAT, I’m in!” She gave us the low-down about class, and just said, “It’s hot in there, but I can’t watch you if you leave the room, so just stay in the room even if you have to lie down. Join us when you can.” It didn’t seem so scary.

So we walked into the hot room, put down our mats, and looked at each other with crinkled noses. Ummm… it stunk in there. And it was HOT!

The lights come on, teacher comes in, and Laura and I were pointed out as the newbies and told to just look at the people around us if we were lost. Class began. I actually can’t specifically remember the class itself. That part of it is kind of a blur. I remember looking at the students around me thinking that they must have been doing this for years. I remember feeling insanely challenged. My heart was thumping out of my chest, and I wanted to RUN out of that room. But at the same time, I wanted to stay in there and get thru it and stay with the postures to the best of my ability. When the class was finally over, I was sopping in sweat and couldn’t wait to come back as soon as my schedule would allow.

And so I did. I took advantage of the 2-week introductory special and went to yoga class about 8 times in those 2 weeks. I didn’t become a “die-hard” right away. I was working about 60 – 70 hours a week at a start-up company, and that was the priority in my life. My health, my marriage came second. I had a warped sense of what was important. Everything was sort of off-balance. Things at home didn’t feel good, I didn’t feel good. I didn’t know up from down, and don’t know if I even cared to find out.

At some point in the middle of this depression I was feeling, I dove into my yoga practice. I began feeling good about myself again. I started wanting to fix the problems I was having in my life. I felt good. And healthy. I felt a shift in my life. Everything started to rebalance. I realized that the work would be there tomorrow, and that if I wasn’t feeling good, I wasn’t giving 100%. I saw myself make the decision to work harder at my marriage. And with that decision, it suddenly wasn’t hard anymore.

Yoga was the conduit for me to fix my life. It made ME the priority of my life. Without me… without a happy me, I don’t have much. This is why I believe so strongly in Bikram Yoga. It changed my life. I’ve seen the power of it. More than anything, I want to be able to bring it to others. I want to inspire people in the way that I have been inspired. I think there is so much more in me that I have yet to find. This 9 week journey is going to test me in ways I can’t imagine, I am sure. But the amazing thing is – I have seen firsthand how powerful it can be… and this is just the beginning.

Break the cycle

2009-03-25T20:19:00.000-04:00

So I’ve got to tell you… Keeping up with my blog – DEFINITELY not my most favorite thing to do! And now here I am, 2 weeks after my last entry wondering what am I going to talk about today? Ah yes, the yoga always seems to work when I am at a loss.

Yesterday I had one of my all-time worst, most difficult classes of all time. There are times when I feel like I may literally DIE, but whether it is my sheer determination or my pride, I can usually push thru class. Yesterday, not so much. We got to the floor and every ounce of energy left me. The heat felt oppressive, my heart felt like a repetitive gong beating thru my chest, and my brain took over. I tried so hard to fight the mind game. I’ve done it so many times before, so I know I can do it. But this was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Even TRYING to sit back up after savasana was a struggle. I laid there after class for longer than I ever have, simply because it was physically impossible to get up. Yikes.

Sometimes I beat myself up for classes like this. I tend to go thru spurts in my practice, where I go thru 2 months of kick-ass, strong classes, and I feel like I am making improvements and breakthroughs. Then I hit is rough spot, where for a couple of weeks I can’t wait to get out of theat hot room quick enough. I’ve come to expect this in my practice, and when it happens, I just go with it and wait it out until I am back on track. I’ve been thinking about this a lot since yesterday, and realize that I need to break this cycle. Expectations in yoga won’t do me any good. I had been thinking, ‘well, here’s my rough patch. At least it will be gone and done with by the time I get to training.’ But why am I giving in to this pattern that I seem to expect from myself? I’m not sure.

I’m breaking this cycle. Now. Coming to the realization that I was giving myself this excuse of a ‘rough patch’ is the first step. (Because you know, like AA, Bikram yoga is a 10 step program!) Now that I know that I’ve created this pattern for myself - that will drive me to break this cycle. I’m certainly learning an awful lot about myself as I prepare for training.

I’m also learning the dialogue! Every posture seems to come a little bit easier than the last. I can’t believe I am already up to Triangle pose! I’ve figured out a lot of tricks that work for me, and I just keep going with them. Not only do I have my own study groove, but I’ve been truly LISTENING to the instructors in class. I only do what an instructor is telling the class to do – no more, no less. Staying 100% present has helped me to really HEAR the sequence of the postures. I’ve always felt like I was pretty present in my classes, but I don’t know if I was necessarily listening.

Now... I’m listening.

I’m learning.

What to do, what to do.

2009-03-11T19:41:00.003-04:00

45 days to go!!! WHAT???

That is just madness. As I mentioned before, time is traveling at warp speed. The weeks are just flying by. I still have so much to do, but I really can't get my mind about exactly what it is that I have "so much" of to do. Studying, of course, is priority #1. And I've been doing a good job of getting one posture down a week. I'm kind of getting in the groove of it, too. I actually might be able to up my 1/week. (That would be outstanding!)

I just started Balancing Stick Pose tonight. Got to it right when I got home from work, for about an hour, and I got a little more than halfway through. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll have retained what I've learned tonight and be able to crank thru the rest of it. Woo hoo! I am so looking forward to training so I can actually go thru postures with actual people in front of me.

Ok.. so things to do:

Load up the iPod
Figure out/buy vitamins
Take inventory on my yoga wear
Meet with my roommate and decide who is packing what
Make a packing list!!!

I guess the packing list is really the thing that is beginning to freak me out. I am going to be gone for 9 weeks. How do you pack for that?? Obviously clothes aren't the big problem. I'll be doing laundry while I am there, so that won't be too crazy. It's all the other shtuff. This whole eating thing during those 9 weeks has totally thrown me for a loop! We will have lunch provided Monday - Friday, but breakfast, dinner, snacks? I'll need to provide those meals for myself.

While staying in a hotel room with only a mini-refrigerator...

No stove. No microwave. No stocked pantry...

How in the world am I going to eat? I haven't quite got the answer to that yet.

And PUSH, and PUSH, and PUSH... (or not!)

2009-02-28T12:22:00.003-05:00

So much for blogging twice a week!! Time just seems to be getting away from me. Between work, practicing yoga daily, and studying, finding the time to write has gotton low on my priority list. BUT.. the studying is going well. I'm getting thru one pose a week, which I think is awesome. I am now in the middle of Standing Head to Knee pose - and should have it down by tomorrow. Hooray!

What is funny is that I have the postures down pretty well, I can go thru them by myself in my car, no problemo! But when I get to the studio to get some feedback, I get all blotchy and red and shakey. It is crazy. I think it is pretty funny, but at the same time it is frustrating. I'm planning on going to the yoga studio on Mondays and going thru my dialogue with a couple of instructors. We did it Monday, and it was great to get feedback. Just to get some practice in is so beneficial to me. (I blamed the blotchy chest on my itchy sweater... but they knew otherwise!)

It makes me feel good that I am preparing as much as I am. I'd like to prepare even more, but I'm quite the busy chicquita, so it is atually hard to get in that one hour per night. So I'm doing what I can, and I am happy with that.

My yoga practice has been going great for the last week. About 5 or 6 weeks ago, I went to Kripalu in the Birkshires, where Rajashree Choudry held a 4-day session of "Exploring Optimal Health Thru Bikram Yoga." It was amazing, however, I pushed myself harder than I should have, and I really screwed up my body. It is amazing how she was able to push further into postures than I normally would have gone. But at the same time, I should have listened to my body a little bit better. Ever since I've been back, I haven't been able to straighten my legs in Hands to Feet Pose, which I have been able to do for a long, long time. And it has been very frustrating. Other postures: Triangle, Standing Bow, Standing Separate leg Stretching, and even some floor posters, have all been killing me the same. It was like I took 5 steps back in my practice.

I seem to have worked thru it though, and this week, things are finally feeling back to normal. With that being said, I guess that I am glad this happened. It is a hard lesson learned, but I've learned nonetheless. I don't need to push myself harder to impress instructors. It is not about that at all. But I'm pretty sure that is what I was doing (whether it was conciously or not). I know where I am in my practice, and I know the extent I should push myself and when to get out of my "comfort zone". They say in class "leave your ego at the door". If I go into training with an ego, I think I'll be in trouble. To learn this 3 months prior to diving into training... although it hurt at the time... it will be a valuable lesson to keep with me.

I feel good and strong again in the hot room. I just love the way that feeling transforms me.

A meltdown, already?!?

2009-02-15T18:15:00.004-05:00

I had my first little breakdown on Saturday. Woo hoo!

Let me preface this with the facts: I had a wee bit too much to drink Friday night, so I wasn't my chipper, fun loving self heading into the studio. However, I went thru Awkward pose on my way to the studio, and everything seemed to be pretty lodged in my brain. I get into the studio, and Sam says, "Ok, let's hear it..." And once again, my brain exploded. Really. Everything I knew only minutes prior slipped right out of my memory. Gone. Forgotten. Kaput. Lights out.

I brushed it off and attributed it to the quasi-hangover. I get in the hot room for class and can't stop thinking about it. I know this stuff, man!! Why is it that when I try to spit it out in front of people, my brain freezes? I beat myself up mentally all thru class, and just couldn't get it out of my head. It drained me during class, and I was on the floor for a few poses. I tried to "not think", but I couldn't turn my brain off.

Class finishes, I feel like crap, and I talk with my brother and one of my friends about it... and I just... start... balling. They looked at me like I was crazy. (I guess you could say that I was slightly crazy.) All of the confidence that I thought I had went right out the window. And I'm thinking, if I can't do this in front of the people I know, how am I going to be able to do this in front of 300 strangers?!?

Well, I am sure that that was the first "moment" of many.

What I've just described makes me even more committed to make sure I get studying as much as possible. I'm obviously going to be dealing with the issue of this insecurity during training, so if I can know as much as I possible before I get there, it's going to make dealing with these issues a lot easier.

On another note, I met my roommate, Natasha, on Saturday, too!! I think we'll compliment eachother nicely. I'm looking forward to sharing the experience with her. We went for coffee with a couple of other teachers, and it was awesome to "talk shop". After talking about my little meltdown earlier in the day, they assured me that these things are totally normal. Brains go blank. Insecurities come up. But I KNOW THE YOGA. It WILL HAPPEN for me. I've just got to trust that it will, and I've got to give up the notion that I need to be perfect. It's not about me. The reason I want to teach Bikram is that I think I can really help and inspire people. That's what it is about.

Prepare, prepare, prepare!

2009-02-11T15:41:00.001-05:00

Once I put my application in, time seems to be traveling at warp speed. Is it really possible that the final decision to go to training was made the second week of January? At that point, I had about 15 weeks before my bags were packed. And now suddenly, it’s less that 11 weeks to go… and I feel like I have so much to accomplish! I’ve got a “Mini” goal list going for these next few weeks.

- Go to 6am yoga Tuesday – Friday (which will allow me to…
- Study the dialog one hour a night during the week
- Get a solid grasp on one posture per week up until the day I leave
- Take 11 Bikram classes in one week before I go (this is probably going to cut into the studying an hour a night goal!)
- Write for my blog twice a week.

These are my goals to help me get prepared for training. I can’t decide if they are realistic or not, but now that I have them written down, I’m going to start focusing and try to follow them. Starting yesterday, I’m on track! I went to yoga yesterday and this morning, and last night just finished up studying the 2nd part of Awkward Pose. All was going well, until I starting trying to remember the 1st part of it, and , quite frankly, my brain just about exploded. Right now I am having a hard time grasping the fact that I have to learn 26 postures, and be able to teach them fluidly. Being the crazy, perfectionist that I am, I have a totally unrealistic goal of wanting to have ALL the material down pat before I get to California. But being the realist that I also am, I have modified that goal to 11 postures. Any more than that will just be bonus points. (And I LOVE bonus points!)

I’m trying to get in the mindset of being student, and it is hard. I haven’t been in school for almost 9 years. I’ve been in this crazy career world, where I know what I am doing, have control, and have confidence. At some point before I go, I am going to have to let go of that mentality, and surrender to the fact that this is a whole new territory for me. I know how to DO the yoga…but learning how to teach it, and teach it well, is going to take patience, courage, and humility. I’ve got the virtues in me, I’ve just got to dig a little deeper to bring them to the forefront.

(PS.. I want to thank everyone for the amazing comments. It means so much to have the words of support and encouragement!)

The List

2009-02-05T21:27:00.001-05:00

After almost 3 years of talking about going to Bikram Yoga Teacher Training, it is finally happening for me. Yup… I’m about to leave my life for 9 weeks to pursue one of the big goals on “The List”. What is “The List”? Well, someone once told me that I should write down a list of my goals. Somehow, having your goals in writing makes them just a little more attainable. If you look at the list every so often, you are reminded of your goals, and you work toward achieving them. The list can be ever changing. Circumstances of life can change things. Your mindset can change things. And if your goals change, well, you write a new list.

So that’s The List. I’m leaving on April 26 for Palm Desert, California, to spend 9 weeks with 300 other like-minded people, living, breathing, eating and sleeping Bikram Yoga. (Well, maybe not sleeping!) While some people think I’m about to embark on a 2 month holiday, I’d like to clarify.

Monday - Friday
8:30am - 10:00am Bikram's Basic Yoga Class
10:00am - 12:15pm Lunch Break
12:15pm - 4:00pm Posture Clinic/Lectures
5:00pm - 6:30pm Bikram's Basic Yoga Class
6:30pm - 9:00pm Dinner break
9:00pm - ??? Posture Clinic/Lecture

Saturday
8:00am - 9:30am Bikram's Basic Yoga Class

Sunday
Day of Rest

The schedule is grueling. 11 classes a week, posture clinics and lectures, along with finding the time to fit some studying in, I’m sure sleep will be at a premium! Am I scared? Umm… yeah, dude. I’m nervous, anxious, excited, and curious all in one. I can’t believe that I am leaving a perfectly good job, an even more perfect husband, a lovely home, and my friends, to embark on what is sure to be the biggest challenge of my life. The closer it gets, the more real it feels. The more real it feels, the more excited I get. I’ve never done anything like this before. In my life, I’ve always had a hand to hold, and voices to guide me. I impersonate an air of independence, but deep down, I’m just that insecure little girl who wants to find her place in the world.

Do I think I’m going to find my place in the world here? No. But I do think I’ll come back a better student, a better person… a better me. And hey, maybe I’ll find a little place that I can call my own at the same time.