Break the cycle

So I’ve got to tell you… Keeping up with my blog – DEFINITELY not my most favorite thing to do! And now here I am, 2 weeks after my last entry wondering what am I going to talk about today? Ah yes, the yoga always seems to work when I am at a loss.

Yesterday I had one of my all-time worst, most difficult classes of all time. There are times when I feel like I may literally DIE, but whether it is my sheer determination or my pride, I can usually push thru class. Yesterday, not so much. We got to the floor and every ounce of energy left me. The heat felt oppressive, my heart felt like a repetitive gong beating thru my chest, and my brain took over. I tried so hard to fight the mind game. I’ve done it so many times before, so I know I can do it. But this was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Even TRYING to sit back up after savasana was a struggle. I laid there after class for longer than I ever have, simply because it was physically impossible to get up. Yikes.

Sometimes I beat myself up for classes like this. I tend to go thru spurts in my practice, where I go thru 2 months of kick-ass, strong classes, and I feel like I am making improvements and breakthroughs. Then I hit is rough spot, where for a couple of weeks I can’t wait to get out of theat hot room quick enough. I’ve come to expect this in my practice, and when it happens, I just go with it and wait it out until I am back on track. I’ve been thinking about this a lot since yesterday, and realize that I need to break this cycle. Expectations in yoga won’t do me any good. I had been thinking, ‘well, here’s my rough patch. At least it will be gone and done with by the time I get to training.’ But why am I giving in to this pattern that I seem to expect from myself? I’m not sure.

I’m breaking this cycle. Now. Coming to the realization that I was giving myself this excuse of a ‘rough patch’ is the first step. (Because you know, like AA, Bikram yoga is a 10 step program!) Now that I know that I’ve created this pattern for myself - that will drive me to break this cycle. I’m certainly learning an awful lot about myself as I prepare for training.

I’m also learning the dialogue! Every posture seems to come a little bit easier than the last. I can’t believe I am already up to Triangle pose! I’ve figured out a lot of tricks that work for me, and I just keep going with them. Not only do I have my own study groove, but I’ve been truly LISTENING to the instructors in class. I only do what an instructor is telling the class to do – no more, no less. Staying 100% present has helped me to really HEAR the sequence of the postures. I’ve always felt like I was pretty present in my classes, but I don’t know if I was necessarily listening.

Now... I’m listening.

I’m learning.