A meltdown, already?!?

I had my first little breakdown on Saturday. Woo hoo!

Let me preface this with the facts: I had a wee bit too much to drink Friday night, so I wasn't my chipper, fun loving self heading into the studio. However, I went thru Awkward pose on my way to the studio, and everything seemed to be pretty lodged in my brain. I get into the studio, and Sam says, "Ok, let's hear it..." And once again, my brain exploded. Really. Everything I knew only minutes prior slipped right out of my memory. Gone. Forgotten. Kaput. Lights out.

I brushed it off and attributed it to the quasi-hangover. I get in the hot room for class and can't stop thinking about it. I know this stuff, man!! Why is it that when I try to spit it out in front of people, my brain freezes? I beat myself up mentally all thru class, and just couldn't get it out of my head. It drained me during class, and I was on the floor for a few poses. I tried to "not think", but I couldn't turn my brain off.

Class finishes, I feel like crap, and I talk with my brother and one of my friends about it... and I just... start... balling. They looked at me like I was crazy. (I guess you could say that I was slightly crazy.) All of the confidence that I thought I had went right out the window. And I'm thinking, if I can't do this in front of the people I know, how am I going to be able to do this in front of 300 strangers?!?

Well, I am sure that that was the first "moment" of many.

What I've just described makes me even more committed to make sure I get studying as much as possible. I'm obviously going to be dealing with the issue of this insecurity during training, so if I can know as much as I possible before I get there, it's going to make dealing with these issues a lot easier.

On another note, I met my roommate, Natasha, on Saturday, too!! I think we'll compliment eachother nicely. I'm looking forward to sharing the experience with her. We went for coffee with a couple of other teachers, and it was awesome to "talk shop". After talking about my little meltdown earlier in the day, they assured me that these things are totally normal. Brains go blank. Insecurities come up. But I KNOW THE YOGA. It WILL HAPPEN for me. I've just got to trust that it will, and I've got to give up the notion that I need to be perfect. It's not about me. The reason I want to teach Bikram is that I think I can really help and inspire people. That's what it is about.