The dialogue is always there

I woke up Sunday with a horrible head cold, a sore throat, and a nose that wouldn’t stop running. Ok. Fine. Everyone gets sick. And when I get sick, it usually doesn’t last very long. So I wake up today (Monday) after a night where my husband says he thought he was sleeping next to Darth Vader, and I’m still not feeling so hot. But I have lots to do at work, and a sick day is just not in the cards for me. It’s just a cold anyways. Suck it up.

Halfway thru the day, I realize that it’s Monday and I have to teach tonight. I haven’t bothered trying to find someone to teach for me, so I figure that I will take class first at 5:30, which usually clears up a head cold temporarily, and I will be good to go for teaching. (At least that was the intention that I set out to the world.)

I set myself up in the back row, which is not the norm for me, but I knew that I might struggle and didn’t want to bring anyone down with me. Class is going pretty well, actually, although it feels like I am sweating even more profusely than ever. I finally had to take a knee and get my heart rate back to normal. No big deal. After all, I am sick!! We get to the floor, and I had an emotional release. It took me by total surprise. The only time I have ever cried in class was in training. And there is a LOT going on at training, so it’s not too surprising. Well, there I was back at training for a few moments. It was 100% a relived moment. I remember so clearly the day during the morning class at training, when I was as sick as a dog, and just lost it. I won’t say that I lost it today. It was more of a quick release that went almost as quickly as it came. It was a re-creation of my physical past experience: the way my body and head were feeling, the actual class, the pressure I was feeling about teaching class next. And boom! It all came out. I don’t know that I have anything to say about it right now (probably because I just took a big shot of NyQuil), but I found the whole thing very interesting. I may speculate more on it later.

Anyways, that is really not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about what came next. Teaching. I feel like I have a temperature, my ears are blocked, my throat is sore, and I have a cement block pressing down on my head. And the microphone is broken. And my mentor, Linda, is taking my class. And Charlie and Jen come to take my class. So I’m feeling anxious about the whole situation. Under normal circumstances, without the sickness, I’d be a little nervous. But now I’m actually concerned. Never the less, I make the commitment to give every ounce of energy that I have in me to the class. And I do. It was HARD. Really hard. I struggled with my dialogue in Pranayama Breathing. My brain was totally not finding anything besides “Chest up, Spine straight, full lungs”. But that’s ok. I forgive myself. I realize I am sweating as much as I was sweating when I took the class prior. UH OH!

But somehow, the rest of class went well. I had a hard time with my breath, because I was having a hard time breathing. I haven’t had to remind myself to BREATHE since training. And also, I felt like I was shouting the whole time. I don’t have a very loud voice, so I may have over-compensated for the lack of the microphone. But all in all, it was good. I had a hard time giving corrections, and realized that I just had to stick to the dialogue. The corrections are already built in. Just say the dialogue. It is there. The words were put on that paper for a reason. And even though I felt like it was not my best class, it was good. The students were strong. They listened. They even laughed a little. They gave me back what I needed to make it a good class, and in turn, I continued to give back what was given to me.

I learned a few very important lessons today:

1. Trust the dialogue. When all else might be crumbling, it is there.

2. Give and you will get back.

And as much as I may have learned “life lessons” from #1 and #2… #3 is…

3. If you’re sick and have to teach, don’t try to be a hero… at least try to find someone to cover for you!!!

And on that note, the NyQuil has definitely clouded any finesse that I was trying to end with. So good night. xoxo