Week 8 (Can you believe??)

What an amazing week it was. I started off a little rocky. Monday night’s Posture Clinic, I had to teach Half Tortois Pose. First of all, this is a fairly short, relaxing, easy pose, where you don’t necessarily have to bring a TON of energy. There is nothing complicated about how it is delivered to the students, and I felt very comfortable with the dialogue. But I got up in front of my group during posture clinic, and suddenly I felt like I was back on stage on week 2 with Bikram. My heart started thumping thru my chest, my knees were sweating, my back was dripping, my chest and face were blotchy and my voice was trembling. I made it thru the dialog without a problem, but knew without a doubt that the nerves were so close to the surface that everyone could feel them, see them, and hear them. One of our staff members, Ester, was leading the clinic, and I’m not even sure what she began telling me, but I began crying. Yes, me – can you believe??!? I became the first person in our group to have a crying meltdown during posture clinic. I felt as if I took 15 steps backwards in my progression… like everything I had been working at for the last 7 weeks was stripped away from me, and as if I may never be able to control this fear of mine.

I was so happy to have Ester there, because back in the beginning of this process, she mentioned that she had a fear of public speaking. So she was able to relate to me and to give me EXACTLY the encouragement that I needed. She related some of her stories with me, and helped me to believe that it wasn’t some regression that I was sinking into. Everyone has their days, and maybe this was one of mine. And the next day, I came back stronger and in more control, more confidence, and more ease than I have ever had. I can’t say that I know if that night was the supposed “breakthrough” that they talk about people having. But I do know that I went up the next afternoon knowing that I could not let that feeling come back. There was no way. It was almost a “F*&% THIS” feeling. I’m not here to stress myself out. I’m here to teach yoga. I’m here to help people. I’m here to learn how to have the beginnings of a good teacher. And suddenly things just clicked. And for the rest of the week, my postures weren’t the stress-factory that I created for myself. I think I may have actually started teaching.

The week went on with little sleep, even less free time, and lots of aches and pains. My body is no longer mine. I don’t know whose it is. Perhaps some 78 year old man with bad knees has taken over my body. In the morning classes, I morn the postures that I once was able to do. I morn the loss of my knees, my back and my hamstrings. I miss my poor, sorry Triangle, and just pray that while I am in it the teacher won’t call me out because of how pathetic it looks.

Ok, so maybe I am exaggerating a little. (But only a little!) I am looking forward to getting back to a normal yoga practice, where my body can have some time to recover from this intensity. Granted, I can’t quite knock my evening classes as dramatically as the mornings. I do have some positive things that I can talk about with my postures. I no longer have a super-wobbly ankle in the one-legged balancing series. And my Standing Head to Knee is SOLID. My strength has definitely improved, whereas my flexibility has dwindled. I supposed that is what happens though.

We finished our last posture, Spine Twist on Thursday. What a feeling! It was a combination of relief, elation, accomplishment, and even sadness. We’ve all worked so hard in these posture clinics to be the best that we can be, and the finality of them being over was something else. We no longer have to spend all of our free time studying and talking to ourselves and stressing. It was as if a huge chapter in this training came to an abrupt close. It means the road is going to come to an end very soon. It means that I am going to go out there and teach this yoga to people who need it. It means I am going to have the power to change lives, just like mine was changed. The anxiety and feelings of “Will I be good enough?” “How is this 90 minute class going to flow out of my mouth?” And “Will I be the teacher I know I want to be?” are all arising in my heart. Deep down, yes, I know it will all happen in time. And I know that the moment I step onto that podium, the person who I have become here in these 9 weeks is going to unfold. And there I will be. ME. There for you. There to give everything back that was given to me.

One of the visiting teachers this week said something that struck me so profoundly. She said, “Think of all of the thousands of things that had to have happened to make all of us 322 people be here in this training.” I realized that it is so much deeper than just finding the money and the time to physically get here. What is the thing that made each of us walk into our yoga studios for the very first time, however many years ago? What are the obstacles that we went thru to get here? Who are the supporters that had to be behind each of us, and what was it in them that they saw in us? All I know is my own experience. I know that there are at least a dozen particular things that all happened in my life to be able to lead me to this Spring 2009 Teacher Training. I’m so thankful for the hurdles I had to go thru, because I wouldn’t want to be here any time other than now, and other than with the particular teachers-to-be.